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No One Knows What to Do About These Wild Turkeys and Their Poop

So far, residents of Pilot Rock, Oregon, are considering building a bird barrier, making a lot of noise, or taking the roughly 70 winged beasts out with shotguns.

by Drew Schwartz
Sep 8 2017, 8:45pm

Photo by E.J. Harris/The East Oregonian via AP

A horde of wild turkeys is wreaking havoc on a small Oregon town, ruining gardens, swarming lawns, and dropping vile, odorous bird shit all over the place. Roughly 50 to 70 of the cretinous fowl have congregated in Pilot Rock—and now residents are scrambling to drive them out, the East Oregonian reports.

The Pilot Rock City Council convened this week to draft some options for dealing with the infestation, floating every idea from spaying and neutering the winged beasts to taking them out with a shotgun. Unable to settle on a solution, the council decided to phone in the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife (ODFW), which the East Oregonian reports has some experience dealing with the red-toed birds. Meanwhile, Pilot Rock residents are growing increasingly pissed about the turkeys running amok in their town.

Resident Mary Ann Low told the city council she recently counted 68 turkeys in her mom's front yard, which they ruined after she painstakingly landscaped it.

"I love wildlife, but this is getting to the point where it's just ridiculous," Low reportedly told the council. "Nothing is left. They dust bathe in the soil. They eat whatever is there."

And they're apparently leaving quite a bit of waste behind after gobbling up everything in sight. According to the East Oregonian, the town decided to call in the ODFW after the birds covered an entire pickup truck with poop like some kind of deliberate manure disaster.

It's not the first time armies of the birds have overrun an unsuspecting town. Not too long ago, the ODFW responded to an aggressive turkey flock in Milton-Freewater, Oregon—just an hour away from Pilot Rock. And roving packs of the beasts have cropped up in small cities in Utah, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Massachusetts—where one evil bird had the nerve to flap his wings, vault into the air, and dropkick a woman, the New England Center for News reports.

The ODFW laid out a few strategies Pilot Rock could adopt to drive the turkeys out of town, including trapping and transporting the animals or making a bunch of noise at their local haunts. The agency also suggested "building a barrier to keep the animals out," which—as the East Oregonian points out—"is costly and, in this case, completely ineffective. Turkeys can fly."

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, though, it might make the most sense for Pilot Rock residents to grab some shotguns and bag as many of the gobbling bastards as possible.

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