Your Star Sign Apparently Affects What Kind of Porn You Like

When it comes to porn, who knows why we like what we like. Psychologists have long proposed theories – from Freud thinking we fancy people who remind us of our parents, to some believing our emotional attachment styles are mirrored in our sexual fantasies. But really, nobody has definitive answers. We don't know why Iceland is so into Fortnite porn, while Russia prefers MILFS.

But maybe we're just… dividing the porn wrong. Maybe it's not about the "style" of porn, but something to do with the stars? Last week, YouPorn announced the launch of a new search filter, meaning we can now search for porn according to the performers' star signs.

"Searching by zodiac sign will allow our community to better understand their innate desire for and connection to certain signs, and interpret their own astrological senses more deeply," explained Charlie Hughes, Vice President of YouPorn, in a press release. "We are always looking for new exploratory options to offer our users, and agreed that a creative and resourceful astrological filter could perhaps offer our community something star-tacular."

Sounds legit? There's no point taking their word for it; instead, we decided to test this porn filter out for ourselves. Here's the verdict from three different porn viewers, each with a different star sign, who each watched three different recommended videos and rated them.

Obviously, NSFW stuff follows.

According to YouPorn's astrologers, I am "a pro at sensuality and intimacy", which is presumably why the first thing they presented to me was a performance entitled "Stepmom Corey Chase Fucks Her Daughter's Pussy and Ass With a Strap-On".

She may be the "most popular" Pisces, but this Corey Chase video didn't sound up my street. Still, as a long-time consumer of online porn, I've been conditioned to skip halfway into the video anyway, just to make sure – and yep, obviously, there's a young-looking girl lying face-down with Beats on, scrolling through her phone and vibing out to some tunes while pretending she hasn't got an arse full.

RATING: 0/10. Pay for porn independently, smh.

Next up is "most subscribed" Capricorn and noted legend, Asa Akira. I've already seen this video many times, because it's Wank Material 101 for anyone with an interest in wet boobs, but it's been a while – and I have to say, even though this is a blatantly pleasureless pounding for everyone involved, the aesthetic is on point. Asia is serving 2000s music video realness here, and I remember having the same reaction to it as a teenager as I did just know: what if TaTu "All the Things She Said", but with cumshots.

RATING: 7/10. Basic, but evergreen.

I don't know what sort of manic Scorpio bullshit is going on here, but this set-up immediately reminded me of the house from that ITV children’s show STARstreet, and as such I didn’t want to watch a single fucking second of it.

RATING: -1000000/10

According to the Sex Zodiac Compatibility Chart, I am most compatible with Virgos, Tauruses and Pisces. Most of my exes are Virgos like me, and although all of those relationships ended quite horrifically, the sex was always amazing. Plus, two of my best friends are Taurus and Pisces, so I have relatively high hopes for this.

As I sat there trying to stir up even the tiniest crumb of horniness, I couldn’t help but wonder… 'Aren't all Virgos just "A Trapped Bitch Inside A Dog Cage"?' I see myself in Dani Daniels (also a Virgo; apparently we're compatible with each other), and despite not being adverse to looking in the mirror during sex, having an existential realisation isn't what gets me off…

… actually, I spoke too soon. Halfway through, it's purely BTS shots. Dani stubs her toe and the cameraman asks her whether she's OK, which is very sweet. Anyway, I've forgotten what I'm supposed to be doing, and all I can think about is how DVDs were good because they used to come with little "deleted scenes". This is sort of like that, isn't it? RATING: 5/10

We're one frame in and I'm obsessed with our lead: Taurus legend, Rocco Siffredi. It might be because Disney's Tarzan was one of my first crushes, after Jessica Rabbit, and this whole Apeman shtick isn't too dissimilar. Watch Tarzan and tell me that, for a children's film, it isn't brimming with sexual tension.

Tauruses are known for their love of luxury, and I feel like a proper storyline – us experiencing Apeman's first time seeing, and then fucking, a woman – and probably the most fully formed characters I've ever come across are the pinnacle of luxury porn. Also, the location scout for this production deserves a medal. I'd pay to have sex here. In fact, where the fuck is Part Two?

RATING: 9/10

All Cory Chase (a Pisces) seems to do is MILF porn, which really is my least favourite, but as a Virgo I admire the consistency. So here we have "Stepmom Needs Tit Inspection". The first half contained mainly blowjobs, which I fucking hate, but then she got her phone out. You can't knock a multi-tasking legend.

Pisces are usually quite sweet, and I'm getting that from her. Most of the video is spent with her really building up the idea that she actually is his step-mum and making you buy into it. We love a sweet Pisces who puts our fantasies front and centre. But still, yeah, not into it.

RATING: 3/10

Using YouPorn's astrology search tool has made me realise that I'm actually a huge prude. I don't know how this happened – as a horny queer teen, I spent most of my time on the internet typing "lesbian threesome girl muff" into Limewire, hoping to come across illegal download streams. These days, my idea of "sex" involves going out for a really nice Italian meal and then having eight or more hours of sleep. Is this is growth?

Anyway, for this experiment I am forced to watch Sagittarius Marica Hase get "anally charged" (?!) by someone dressed as a reverend; fellow Libra Tory Lane do a "police probe" on a woman; and Aquarian Amirah Adara as an "orgasmic lesbo vixen". These were my thoughts.

A deeply questionable pornographic theme, but I have to give props for the styling. You just can't go wrong with matching your PVC gloves to your PVC police officer's hat!

RATING: 2/10

I appreciate the high concept they're going for here, but since Steve Holmes looks like a cross between a street magician and a Catholic reverend, it's a hard no.

RATING: 0/10

Garden-variety male gaze lesbian porn, the IKEA flatpack table version of girl-on-girl action. Dependable, but completely vibeless. Also looks like it's filmed in the premium suite of a Travelodge. This is not a compliment.

RATING: 3/10

Our three porn-watching volunteers rarely rated any of the videos above a five, which means most of these were considered a below average viewing experience. This does not bode well for YouPorn's new zodiac search filter.

That said, I'm not dismissing the tool completely. I just think birth charts are more complicated than simply star signs. Also, other elements need to be included surely. Like, for a Sagittarius, maybe the porn storyline should include some travel? Or, for a Libra, the decor ought to be on point? These are just a few suggestions.

Or maybe, IDK, people just get off on what they get off on.

@daisythejones