This Week in Food Porn: Halloween Special

This year, I am seriously considering going to Halloween dressed as admin: my greatest fear and deepest hate. I'm going to make a dress out of all the forms that have struck terror into my heart, wear a series of reference codes around my neck like a noose, staple Excel spreadsheets to my forehead, and wrap my unfiled bank statements around my feet like lead.

In the meantime, here's a roundup of the spookiest snacks and most deviant dishes uploaded to Instagram this week.

Dürfen wir vorstellen: Karl-Egon, das #yumtamtam-Gespenst, das über unsere Halloween-Snacks wacht. Neben Karl-Egon tummeln sich aber noch mehr leckere Dinge auf dem Party-Buffet. Welches Fingerfood darf auf eurer Halloween-Party nicht fehlen?

A photo posted by yumtamtam (@yumtamtam) on Oct 27, 2016 at 7:06am PDT

Is there anything scarier than buffet-sized portions? Or eyes on fruit? Or the unsupervised use of cotton wool? Yes, yes there is—and it's overripe banana. Overripe banana makes me want to vom so hard my lungs hit the back of my teeth. It simply shouldn't be.

Cheese and pretzel broomsticks… more healthier Halloween ideas up on the blog

A photo posted by The Brown Paper Bag Nutrition (@brownpapernutrition) on Oct 27, 2016 at 10:51pm PDT

Did you know that the whole witch myth actually came about because herb-savvy women would anoint broom handles with hallucinogenic plant pulps, and then sit aside and ride those sticks like billy-o to absorb the juices into their bloodstream through the mucus membrane in their vagina? Cool, huh.

Spent the evening gathering witch's fingers… Delicious snack for work tomorrow!!! #witchesfingers #cookies #almond #snacks #snack #homemade #bake #baking #halloween #halloweenfood Stay tuned till tomorrow for a better picture and some finger dip to go with….

A photo posted by Alina Mark (@craftylady777) on Oct 27, 2016 at 10:31pm PDT

I see your finger buffet and raise you a knuckle.

I can't even begin to count how many pretzels I broke before I had enough pieces for these legs! #playwithyourfood #kidfood #halloweenfood #thisbetterwinmemomoftheyearaward

A photo posted by Reece Montgomery (@reecemontgomery) on Oct 27, 2016 at 10:30pm PDT

Living on my own—entirely on my own—for two years taught me a very different way of dealing with spiders. Namely, as long as they kept to their square metre-age and I kept to mine, we could exist alongside each other in something like mutually self-assured destruction, terror, and harmony. I haven't killed one since.

Gettin' our zombie cravings going Happy long #Halloween!

A photo posted by Hart Ang (@hart_ang) on Oct 27, 2016 at 6:01pm PDT

Nothing scares me more than the thought that my body is full of wet, twitching muscles, keeping my alive through a series of uncontrolled and unconscious electrical signals, muscular squeezes, and thumps.

My dinner was bomb today!! #peppers #jacolantern #riceandbeans #guacamole #halloweenfood #tistheseason

A photo posted by Kira Schneider (@kirra.schneider) on Oct 27, 2016 at 6:46pm PDT

This actually looks like an unholy portrait of my old I.T. teacher—a gold-standard dickhead of a man who turned entire generations off both maths and computers. So, thanks for that.

Freaky Friday #halloweenfood #halloweenideas #halloweentreats #halloween #halloweencake #fondant #chocolate #foggy #chocolatebuttercream #minicake #pastryph #foodph #vscofood #halloween2016 #horror #zombie

A photo posted by Swan Sweets (@swansweets_) on Oct 27, 2016 at 9:37pm PDT

I have bored hundreds of people to tired sobs with my ranting against the creepy infantilisation and depressing post-War nostalgia of cupcakes. Of women in hoop skirts and hair bows making fairy cakes and selling them at jumble sales in strip clubs or in an attempt to get people to find them non-threateningly attractive. But this? This is a cupcake I can get behind. Because, at the very least, it's the perfect opening for a good fingering gag.

Guten Morgen…hier noch eine kleine Inspiration für Halloween die Äpfel habe ich geviertelt, dann in der Mitte ausgeschnitten, mit Marmelade bestrichen und verschiedene Körner als Zähne in den Apfel gedrückt die Augen sind aus Marzipan und Schokodrops ? ich wünsche euch einen schönen Tag

A photo posted by ᒪiᒪᒪi (@lilli_missheartmade) on Oct 27, 2016 at 10:23pm PDT

I see your stepmother's still on that healthy eating kick, huh?

Awesome!

A photo posted by Haunt (@hauntfurniture) on Oct 26, 2016 at 4:38pm PDT

The small town near my late grandmother's house decided, back in the early noughties, that it was the "home of gingerbread," based on wafer-thin evidence and a desperate need to attract tourists to the Shropshire countryside. I only hope they've jumped on this bandwagon too.

#halloween #sandwich #halloweenfood #creativefood #konyhalal #eat #ikozosseg #instafood #food #foodie #foodblogger #homemade #mik #mik_gasztro #mutimiteszel #hungarianblogger #blogger

A photo posted by Linda (@lindamorvai) on Oct 27, 2016 at 12:38pm PDT

In the immortal words of Des'ree: I'm afraid of the dark, 'specially when I'm in a park And there's no-one else around, Ooh, I get the shivers. I don't want to see a ghost, It's a sight that I fear most, I'd rather have a piece of toast, And watch the evening news. Happy Halloween Des'ree.