This Week in Food Porn: Chocolate Spread and Broken Biscuits

We get it. You've got grotesquely warped selfies to post to strangers off the internet. You simply have to know what you'd look like with huge thyroidec eyes and forelocks made of flowers. We get it. We understand.

But, once the onanistic pleasures of digitally massaging your own face have started to fade (I give it 12 minutes and 17 seconds) here are the best slices, slabs, and slurps of food photography uploaded to Instagram this week.

It's our pleasure. It's your pleasure.

Remember that incredible apple tarte we posted the other day by @cedricgrolet? Here it is cut in half #TheArtOfPlating

A photo posted by The Art of Plating (@theartofplating) on Aug 3, 2016 at 8:36pm PDT

You poor, hapless pricks. That's not an apple tart—it's an up-the-nostril shot of my old maths teacher Mr Willis as he bored 30 hormonal teachers for 45 minutes about simultaneous equations.

Hummmmm #breakfast #foodporn #pregnancy #6months A photo posted by @ambrouze on Aug 3, 2016 at 10:52pm PDT

I mean, if you're going to do a thing, you might as well do it properly. By which I of course mean feeding your unborn foetus with chocolate spread and smiling bananas, not "Have unprotected sex and hope for the best."

Now I thought I'd seen it all and eaten it all but…TAG A FRIEND WHO WON'T BELIEVE THEIR EYES - - Who is EatingFamous: @issac_eatsalot What's in the spotlight: PB&J Fries Where can you get it: @blburgers At @burgersnbeats - Keep tagging your tastiest shots #ChEatFamousFriday or #EatFamous for a chance to be featured!

A photo posted by Eat Famous (@eatfamous) on Aug 3, 2016 at 8:19pm PDT

Talking of unprotected sex …

The worst thing about eating a box of Pocky is that you always want S'more. A photo posted by Pocky USA (@pockyusa) on Aug 3, 2016 at 4:28pm PDT

When I was young, my father—a builder—would often get paid (alongside the small folds of actual, spendable cash) in bags of broken biscuits off the market. These jamless dodgers, dry custard creams, and near-pulverised chocolate fingers were the most exciting things to cross our threshold since he bought a portable telephone (I was watching a lot of the Ghostbusters cartoon back then, and used to walk around the house pointing the phone aerial at various walls and corners pretending to be Egon).

Have a #sunny day Lasst euch nicht unterkriegen #breakfast #summer #fruits

A photo posted by Anna Hofstätter (@anna.gramm_) on Aug 3, 2016 at 10:54pm PDT

I had no idea so many people with very serious delirium tremors shared their breakfast menus on Instagram. Still, it's nice that, even after you've scattered all merry buggery out of a box of Alpen and a punnet of berries, you can still take the time to photograph the resulting chaos against a Sunny Delight backdrop. You just keep on keepin' on, hun.

Good morning lovely people! Reposting this cake from last summer to explain my new profile picture! It's a drawing of my talented friend Anna @anna_v_dinkel who is very much into fashion illustration, so my cake is on her page among haute couture dresses and famous faces You made me so happy Анюта! Have to run grocery shopping because spent way toooo much time watching insta stories #cake #foodstagram #happy #summer #foodphotography #foodpics #delicious #baking #feedfeed @thefeedfeed #thekitchn #myopenkitchen #icapturefood #foodie_features #buzzfeast #thechalkboardeats #sunlightcooks #eeeeeats #realfood #chocolate A photo posted by Elena (@sunlight.delight) on Aug 3, 2016 at 10:54pm PDT

I can only assume, judging by the extreme proximity of that turquoise door and gloss paint knocker, that someone is about to post this entire cake through the local vicar's letterbox while humming "Bad to the Bone" under their bated breath.

Had to share this with you all. These are the Cider battered onions that @essexeating and I often used to serve at our supper club. The recipe is in my book but Dan has just made the most perfect batch and as there isn't a photo with the recipe in the book, I'd suggest you print this pic out and stick it on page 204. #fastdaysandfeastdays @essexeating

A photo posted by Elly Curshen (@ellypear) on Aug 3, 2016 at 11:47am PDT

Until you've snogged a pimple-necked teenager whose breath tastes simultaneously of cider, onion rings, and B&H Silver, as the dying notes of "Toxic" by Britney Spears fade out into the background, I'm afraid you simply don't know what love is.

Moin Moin! Der Herbst ist noch immer da, abee zum Wochenende hin, soll es angeblich besser werden. Bin gespannt Ich hoffe, ihr habt alle suuuper geschlafen und was ganz wunderbares geträumt? Ich trinke jetzt meinen #lebenswichtigen #kaffee und esse mein oberleckeres #porridge mit VIEL Zimt! Habt einen bezaubernden Tag #fitfamgermany #fitchick #raspberry #himbeeren #oatmeal #oats #gainz #savethegainz #highcarb #carbsoncarbs #loveyourself #bodybuilding #shelifts #gymlife #lifestyle #krafttraining #fitnessaddicted #healthy #staystrong #picoftheday #breakfast #foodie #foodporn A photo posted by Annika (@strong.annika) on Aug 3, 2016 at 10:52pm PDT

Talking of neck pimples …

Свежий морепродукт, еще вчера креветок ловил. Увидеть бы вживую…И как такого красавца можно есть? Понимаю, что очень просто и тем не менее скорблю )))) Невероятное существо божье ( #этовладивостокдетка #food #instafood #foodporn #art #instadaily #deadoctopus #vdk #vl #seafood

A photo posted by Александра Яровая (@aleksandra_iarovaia) on Aug 3, 2016 at 11:25pm PDT

When I have fears that I may cease to be, before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain, before I've traced the star-like beauty of your limbs, nor plotted the pulsing heat of your bright orbs, then on the shore of this salty earth I stand alone and think, 'til lunch and love to nothingness do sink.

#recipeoftheday Salted Chocolate Tart Photograph by @nordljus And the recipe is on my website, which you can get to by clicking on link in profile A photo posted by Nigella (@nigellalawson) on Aug 3, 2016 at 7:27am PDT

Of course, Nigella's made a chocolate tart as smooth as a pool at night. Of course she's made a chocolate tart as salty as your tears. Of course Nigella Lawson has made a chocolate tart too dark, too glossy, and too curved to be photographed all at once. Of course she bloody has.

Our featured photo entry is from Certified Grill Lover @thebutcher_and_bbq - Reverse searing is where it's at. Smoked this 52 oz black #angus porterhouse this morning at 200 degrees for an hour over @fogocharcoal . Now it's in the @lodgecastiron skillet at 600 degrees on the grill with roasted garlic butter and fresh thyme …..this should last me a few days….and you know it came from @chubsmeats Will this photo be the MOST LIKED and make him WIN $200 worth of meat package from @schwabmeat ? Double tap if you like it. #CertifiedGrillLover #SchwabMeat

A photo posted by ♨Grill Lovers♨ (@grill_lovers1) on Aug 3, 2016 at 5:53pm PDT

What I know about steaks could fill the back of a cherrystone. But what I know of bones and butter, of iron and thyme, of time and fat, of bulbs and flesh could fill a book. It'll still give you a big neck though. So, you know, check your neck.