The Sweet Seduction of Ronald Koeman: Reviewing Everton vs. Middlesbrough

In a suave, secluded Scandinavian chalet, the lounge room is bathed in the warm, orange glow of lit candles. While the bitter wind whips past the full glass windows, there is a sensual heat indoors the likes of which would make even the manliest of football fans swoon. Chris Isaak's 'Wicked Game' wafts lightly from the iPhone dock, while an open bottle of rich, crimson Burgundy rests invitingly on the pinewood table.

Ronald Koeman is stretched out over the opposite divan, combing his short, auburn locks into an extremely businesslike Brylcreemed side parting. He chuckles with the deep, melodic resonance of a double bass note, before he looks at you knowingly with his piercing, blue stare.

Imagine, for a moment, that you are the protagonist of this midnight tryst with Ronald Koeman. Can you honestly say that your heart has not just skipped a beat? Can you deny that your loins are throbbing, that your soul has melted like warm butter on hot toast? No, of course you can't, because Ronald Koeman is a sexy football manager, and capable of seducing the entirety of the Premier League.

With Everton ending their unfulfilling relationship with Roberto Martinez last season, some wondered whether Koeman would be able to pick up the pieces. Martinez was a catsuit-clad salsa instructor, snake-hipped and hairy of chest but ultimately unable to match up to fleshly expectations. Koeman has more of a hot dad vibe, what with his cute paunch and scintillating range of cashmere jumpers. Right now, he is in the process of wining and dining the fans and, from what they've seen already, they're ready to fumble with his bits in the back of an Uber at the first available opportunity.

Having suffered an early setback to Middlesbrough on Saturday, Everton came back to win with a series of silky moves and luscious goals. That follows a 3-0 spanking of Sunderland, a hard, committed 1-0 pumping of Stoke and an impressive 2-1 climax over West Brom, not to mention a 4-0 fuckparty against Yeovil in the League Cup. Everton are now second in the table, and have played some downright erotic football to get there. With Koeman rumoured to have Barcelona in his seductive sights, this season might well be the one to earn him a scorching hot date.