Due to editorial considerations, the photos have been removed from this post. Our apologies to Broadly readers.
This holiday season, the hottest party is... my family's Christmas party! This year's festive soiree featured drunk bro cousins, heated arguments about Donald Trump, grandma on cocaine, and so much more! Everyone went HAM (as in "hard as a motherfucker," but also we ate a lot of ham), and I captured it all on camera.
These are my two "cousins," Brad and Chad. Now let me be clear, they aren't technically my cousins. They are my grandma's sister's daughter's boyfriend's cousin's kids. This photo was taken immediately as I arrived to the family Christmas party, around 2 PM. By then, the boys had already busted out the beer bong and done countless keg stands. My grandmother, who is not only often confused but was also drunk, relentlessly attempted to set me up with Brad and Chad. "Either one will do," my grandma said. "You won't be young forever—soon you'll be old and fat. You should get married as soon as you can." We were both unclear on whether I was related to them by blood, but that didn't matter to grandma. She likes to "keep it in the family." She's just old fashioned that way.
Speaking of which, here is a photo of grandma and grandpa. As you can probably tell, neither of them is anywhere approaching sober, which is to be expected. The Gonzalez family is known to not fuck around with sobriety on national holidays (or on any other day of the year). That said, despite having been married for 50 years, these two never seem to be able to coordinate their drug use. This photo was taken right after I had gone outside with grandpa to smoke a massive peppermint-and-pine-scented blunt. But while Grandpa and I were "getting in the Christmas spirit," Brad and Chad took Grandma into the bathroom to do coke off the toilet seat. "I haven't done blow like this since 1924!" Grandma exclaimed.
This photo was taken midway through the party. The blonde woman is my mother. (I know, I know, we look nothing alike. For that, you can thank the miracle of plastic surgery and hair dye.) The man with his hand on her waist, however, is not only not my father, but not even someone whose face I recognize. I come from a long line of extremely slutty people, so he could just be a cousin or uncle I've never met. Judging by this photo, it looks like mother might have just mistook him for my father. I did not ask about what happened after this was taken.
Here's my mother again with her twin sister, Jenny. My mother and her sister have always been extremely close. I sort of view Jenny as a second mother to me. Though what I didn't know until this Christmas party is that my mother is actually not a twin, but a triplet. The woman in the red dress on the left who is snarling at my mother and Jenny is their third sister. At a young age, my mother convinced the third sister that she was adopted, at which point the third sister checked herself into a foster home and hadn't been heard from since. Grandma and grandpa were in their LSD phase at that point and were too far gone to notice that the third child was missing, or even remember that they had a third child in the first place. Only now, years later, did the third sister realize that something was terribly wrong, and she was actually part of a tripletry, not an orphan.
This photo was taken just moments before the third sister attacked my mother and Jenny, instigating a family wide brawl.Here is a photo from the end of the night—when most of my family had already fallen asleep (besides grandma, who was far too high)—of my mother hitting on the singer of the band that was hired to play more danceable versions of classic Christmas songs. This is my great-aunt and her two husbands. They are in a polyamorous relationship, and as you can probably tell, they all support Donald Trump. Every family needs their own token Donald Trump supporters to instigate a debate that will eventually lead to a heated argument about deep-seated emotional problems instead of politics. Being that Brad and Chad were the only other Donald Trump supporters around, during the political argument they stated that Hilary is "not hot enough" and Bernie is "old as fuck." They couldn't name any other Republican candidates.
My mom inadvertently ended the night with her ill-fated karaoke rendition of "Hotline Bling."