Charles Manson, the Ultimate Bachelor, Might Finally Be Getting Married

Photo via Wikipedia Creative Commons

After a torrid six-year courtship, Charles Manson is finally making an honest woman out of his 25-year-old girlfriend, Star. Like me, you all probably thought it would never happen. Charlie’s not exactly known as a “one woman man.” Plus he already has a family, so I wouldn’t have guessed he would’ve been eager to start another one. And yet, here we are, less than a week after Manson's girlfriend revealed the pending nuptials.

Star said, “I'll tell you straight up, Charlie and I are going to get married. When that will be, we don't know. But I take it very seriously. Charlie is my husband. Charlie told me to tell you this. We haven't told anybody about that.”

Chuck, like any other single man living in a party house with a bunch of bros (in this case, a maximum security party house with 3,000 bros), he’s downplaying the commitment. He said, “That's a bunch of garbage. You know that, man. That's trash. We're just playing that for public consumption.” I know what that means. I see through the dismissive rhetoric to the truth of what he’s trying to impart. He doesn’t want his guy friends to think he’s soft.

I was in a similar situation once. I lived with three other guys, but I also had a girlfriend that demanded all of my time. “No, you can’t go lift weights in the yard with your friends,” she’d scream. I’d threaten to stab her eye out with a piece of broken glass and pour battery acid into the gaping wound. It was not a good scene, because all my buddies thought I was pussy-whipped.  The next thing you knew, I wasn’t showering for two weeks because I didn’t want to get my skull smashed with a lunch tray. In short, I get it, Charlie. Women are difficult. They nag, they control, they get you brutally beaten within an inch of your life. It’s not easy, but as someone who is also engaged, I can tell you that it’s worth it.

Charlie and Star, from mansondirect.com, your one-stop shop for all things Chuck

There will be moments where Manson will long for the simple pleasures of solitary confinement. If you thought trying to bring about an apocalyptic race war was hard, try deciding what to watch on TV on Tuesday night. What you have to remember about monogamy though is that it’s a huge comfort to have someone there when you come home. Knowing that another human being cares about you and is always thinking about you is a special feeling. It’s sort of like when the guard comes by your cell to make sure you’re going to sleep and not carving a shank out of a metal spoon or masturbating on your cellmate’s head. It’s that concern for your well-being that’s so reassuring. What I’m saying is that being married is like getting to fuck a prison guard.

On the subject of sex, without doing it on a regular basis, even the best marriage is doomed to failure. Without a healthy coital routine, a couple can fall into the abyss of petty squabbles, resentment, and emotional distance. Unfortunately, Star revealed that Manson is not allowed conjugal visits because the state of California doesn’t permit them for inmates serving life sentences. I happen to believe that there are ways around that restriction that will keep the marriage healthy. Obviously, sexting is out of the question, but consider erotic drawings. I’m sure with a little practice, Star could draw a pretty accurate version of her labia. It’s really all about shading and depth. Without those subtle details, a labia could easily turn into a steak dinner, and there’s nothing sexy about red meat.

Women love a man who can play an instrument.

The most important thing that a marriage requires is patience. You’ll get annoyed or frustrated with your spouse. They’ll grate on you with their quirks, quibbles, and foibles.  Maybe they don’t wash the dishes. Perhaps they leave the toilet seat up. Maybe they forced a bunch of people to cut a pregnant woman’s stomach open. Everyone has issues. At some point, we all end up wanting to escape marriage and live freely again. I implore those brave souls in a relationship to resist that temptation to flee. In the case of Charles Manson, that shouldn’t be too hard. The barbed wire, electric fences, and snipers do a great job of keeping a husband from getting antsy.

The world is a lonely, cold place, and whenever two people find each other, it’s beautiful. As a great man once said, “Love is patient, love is kind.” Mazel tov to Charles and Star. May all your wishes come true.

Well… not all of them. I’m not sure I want to know what Charles Manson wishes for.

OK… maybe none of them.  May none of your wishes come true.

Dave Schilling's new book, Letters from my Therapist, would make the perfect wedding present for any newlywed couple. It's on Amazon and iBookstore, and is a way better gift than a crockpot.

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