This article originally appeared on VICE Australia.
Your wedding day will probably be one of the more stressful days of your life. First of all, you'll spend thousands on food and clothes before jamming conflicting members of your families together in the same room. Then you'll feed everyone booze and let friends give their versions of "funny speeches" to your aforementioned angry family. The speeches can't just be funny, no, they have to be sentimental. After all of that, you have to leave just the right amount of time so the crowd doesn't wander off to the bar and get too drunk before the night is over. Naturally, with all these variables, there are bound to be fuck-ups.
We wanted to hear about speeches that bombed, so we turned to wedding DJs. They're the people who watch from the shadows while speeches go wrong and then play a song to ease the tension. So here they are: Four DJs from around Melbourne and Perth tell us about some of the painful things they've witnessed.
Kerry from DJ Wedding Specialists
I was at a wedding once where the best man started stripping off all his clothes, which would have been fine, except he was wearing the bride's underwear underneath. He had on her bra, her panties—everything. The groom had helped organize this little stunt, and I guess it was supposed to be funny, but the bride was absolutely fuming. She stormed out while everyone else looked around in shock. People were sort of laughing, but it was so awkward. I jumped in to play a top 40 medley to calm everyone down. She came back eventually, so I guess the night wasn't completely ruined.
Kerry's Second Story
The best man was really anxious about his speech and took 15-second pauses between each and every word. His speech dragged on for about 50 minutes. People in the crowd eventually started talking and heading off to the bar. You have to give it to him, though—he kept going. The bride and groom were trying to be nice about it by sitting there and listening, but you could tell by their faces they'd had enough.
Aaron from That DJ Australia
The maid of honor got up and started telling everyone about the time the bride almost got married in Vegas to a guy she didn't know. No one laughed, and there was a lot of hushed whispering in the room. There were more speeches to come after that, but then I picked a song, one to ease the tension: "Kung Fu Fighting." No one can be angry when they're listening to that.
For a related video, check out this Weed Wedding from Daily VICE:
Dylan from Majestic Wedding DJs
The bride was Italian, so needless to say it was a very big, formal event. The best man started talking about the groom's car and how he used to bang tons of women in it. I honestly thought he'd never stop, name after name; he just kept going. He and the other men were having a good laugh, but the bride looked really pissed off. The crowd was deathly silent, broken only by the occasional "oh my God." Eventually, the dad kicked him off the stage because he couldn't take a hint.
Dylan's Second Story
Apparently before the wedding, the bride had lost about 60 pounds, so of course, the father of the groom thought it would be funny to make fat jokes. There were literal gasps from the audience, and I don't know if he panicked or what, because he didn't stop. I was MCing the wedding as well, so I had to get up there and cut him off because it was a complete disaster. I just made fun of him, and everyone laughed at my jokes. Thankfully that thawed out the icy situation he'd just created.
A Third from Dylan
Something I see a lot is where the bridesmaids only tell jokes and stories that only the bride understands. It's horrible. No one knows what's going on, and everyone just looks bored and confused. I see it so much, and it's weird that they don't understand it's not something that anyone except she and the bride finds funny. Most of the time there are more speeches or formalities before I can get into my set, but my go-to after one of those is definitely "Most Beautiful Girl" by Flight of the Conchords. It's a banger and always lifts the mood after a horrible speech.
Simon from Heart Beatz
This wedding was a very traditional one; the bride and groom looked like a real life Ken and Barbie. The father of the bride got up to speak. All was going well until he started saying how women are the property of their husbands. He also casually threw in some stuff about economic supply and demand, and the principles of sex in a marriage. I think he was trying to be funny, but the bride wasn't laughing. She was in complete shock, and no one else was laughing either; they were just kind of staring straight ahead, waiting for it to end. Maybe he forgot he was at a wedding.
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