All the Shit That's About to Go Down During Capricorn Season

Welcome to All the Shit, a monthly column in which I prepare you for the season ahead by consulting the planets or whatever. Ignore your parents. Ignore your therapist. This is the only advice you’ll need from now on.

As a double Libra, my practical skills are next to none. I’ve never changed a lightbulb. Never put up a tent. Never walked a dog. Never baked a cake. This is partly because I'm an air sign, and exist much more in my head than in my body. But it's also because I'm lazy, and know that if I charm enough people, someone will do the task for me.

Capricorns are kind of the opposite. They're practical, pragmatic and responsible. Your Capricorn mate is the one who will tell you to stay and help clean up the party, just as you were sneaking out the back door. They'll tell you that if you want to move to LA to become a dog trainer for the stars, you'll need to formulate a step-by-step plan, instead of just dreaming about it. They're the ones you text in a crisis. They're warm and patient – but they don't always tell you what you want to hear.

Capricorn season begins today and ends on the 21st of January. This means that, as ever, over the next few weeks the Capricorn mood will pervade your life in various ways. Here's exactly what to expect, regardless of your sign:

You’ve been to all the xmas parties you were planning to attend. You tongued that guy from finance in front of all your colleagues. You vomited nut roast into your hands on the tube. Your face is red and puffy, too, because you’ve been living off cocktail sausages and weird old people drinks like sherry. Enough is enough. It’s time to put an end to all this. Capricorn season is about taking responsibility and being practical. It’s not about slur-singing "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" with a woman you met five minutes ago on the night bus.

Obviously there’s still Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve, but once you’ve ticked those two off the list, it’s all plain sailing. You can get on with writing that zine or recording your podcast or whatever it is you told yourself you could do before your life descended into festive chaos (see: Christmas Behaviour).

As a cardinal earth sign, Capricorns love all that physical, DIY stuff. They'd much rather stay at home fermenting kimchi or upholstering chairs, or whatever, than going out and getting on it. So don't be surprised if you start embracing that side of yourself over the next month, too. Help your family start a fire. Take charge of the roast potatoes. IDK, get bang into wood sculptures or something. Now's the time for it.

As someone who is ruled by the planet Venus, I am obsessed with romance. I watched A Star Is Born three times at the cinema. I have done love spells on people whose names I can't even recall. My permanent mood is basically the first two lines of "Life's a Gas" by T-Rex.

Capricorns, on the other hand, are ruled by the planet Saturn – the huge, authoritarian one with the rings around it. They're much more enamoured with the idea of knowledge, power and improving one's self rather than obsessing over other people. I'm not saying Capricorns aren't romantic – because intimacy is complex and multi-faceted and everyone's chart is different – but they're the least likely to get wrapped up in the fantasy of it all. Basically, the next few weeks aren't the most fertile for romance. Just focus on yourself and save all that shit for Aquarius season, when everyone's more in the mood.

Capricorn season coincides with the new year, when people tell themselves they're going to do things like give up dairy and cycle to work and "only drink on weekends". You are going to do this too. You are going to delete Instagram and stop using Tinder. You are going to purchase a really expensive tennis racket. You are going to type "how can I help old people?" into Google. This is partly because the transition into January presents itself as a chance for a new start. But it's also because all that studious Capricorn energy is getting to your head.

Which… great! Good for you! But let's revisit how that all goes come the end of Jan, shall we? See you again in a month for Aquarius season, when things get really weird.

@daisythejones