VICE vs Video games

Browsing the Twisted World of Online Porn Games

Just because a game is about sex doesn't mean it's sexy, as these awful examples of interactive smut prove.

Duncan Vicat-Brown

Illustration by Stephen Maurice Graham

Sex in video games, as has been pointed out extensively, doesn't really work. There's a lot of waiting around, the graphics aren't really there yet, and the only console with a one-handed controller is exclusively for children. On top of that, imagine going into GameStop and buying, like, BMX XXX. Harrowing stuff.

Nope, if you're looking to combine sex and gaming—and as a species, we're apparently persisting with this—a much more logical place to start would be the world of internet browser games. Quick and to the point, usually demanding nothing more of you than a mouse hand, and you're only a click away from actual, proper porn if needs be.

So, have any of the limitless nerds making cheap, casual, online games cracked the code? I had a good, long, not-especially-hard look, and below is what's available.

There's definitely some Young Money trading hands, here

THE ARCHIVES

All power to Archive.org—the site's collection of playable MS-DOS games is genuinely awe-inspiring. There are over 2,200 games up there to date, and almost all of them work. But come on, you're only human, and there's a text-based sex adventure called Soft Porn II on the first page. And then there are pages on the internet like this. Yes, those are all Star Trek–themed text-based sex adventures.

You can learn a lot about the sexual attitudes of 1980s introverts from their sexy text games. The sex is graphic but vanilla (though Soft Porn II does have a pleasing line in annilingus), all breasts are "pert," without exception, and anything kinky or gay is usually punished with a kill screen, unless it's a wholly improbable lesbian scene. There's also a definite "bag of sand" air to a lot of the descriptions of body parts: "deep red and granite hard nipples," "her damp and torrid pussy," "the black recesses of her womanhood," etc.

Then there's the point-and-click adventure games and the dungeon-based RPGs, which are honestly more noteworthy for their titles than the extremely carry-on sex you'll wish you hadn't wasted an hour working toward. Sex Vixens from Space. Passionate Patti Does a Little Undercover Work. Cuntlet and Cuntlet II. You're better off watching Heavy Metal, at least that's got Cheap Trick on the soundtrack.

"Not about rape," though

CARTOON SEX SIMS

I guarantee, with about eight seconds of not-especially-focused googling, you can find at least three cartoon sex browser games that'll open up a deep, black pit in your soul that cannot be refilled. Case in point: a selection from the most popular "adult" games on the very first site I found:

School of Rape,which says it's not about rape, but does involve a jilted nerd using magical pheromones to trick girls into blowing him in the cafeteria. That sounds like rape.

Jessica Rabbit FM, in which the cartoon character is animated like a gently shaking water balloon wrapped in elastic bands, and sexually tortured until she likes it.

Trapped Girl, in which a girl (your girlfriend, so it's OK, apparently) is trapped in a window and you have to sexually harass her, or put cat ears on her, before someone catches you.

Kim Possible—you know when someone tweets, "oh my God, kids born in 1998 will be able to vote this year!" Well, kids young enough to have watched Kim Possible are now old enough to design and publish browser games that open with you fucking her mouth.

The bus is looking more appealing by the second

THE UNCANNY VALLEY

Did you watch The Polar Express, gaze into the glassy eyes of the train-conducting nightmare man, and think, Yes. Sexually, I am finally home. You're in luck: Intrepid animators working for what must, at best, be pretty meagre riches, have started to really push the boat out when it comes to making your computer fuck targets look more like actual people. But also... not.

Take viral sensation Dating Ariane with its individually rendered strands of hair (which, unless you're Pixar or Weta, you should never even attempt), baffling breast physics, and disquietingly detailed skin rendering. But then what would you expect from people who want you to drive a joke car in a cocktail dress?

And then there's Sepe's Cumshot. By all means follow that link. But it's important that you know that beyond it lies a naked man who looks like a jacked-up Peter Pan Thom Yorke, whose head rolls around like he's dying as his dick and balls flop out and inflate like an emergency slide.

She's smiling, OK? Everything's fine...

EXTREME

Look, I'm not going to tell you how to find it, but there's a game out there where you click on a load of doors, and then at the end there's a sexy naked cat, and then the game ends. I'm also not going to tell you where you can play a game where you make two cats named Labrn and Violet Berry fuck in a "Delight Castle."

I'm certainly not pointing you toward the one where you have a rescue a girl who's being gang-raped by zombies with big ol' decaying erections. I'm also going to suggest that you don't go out looking for it because of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things you're going to find on the way.

There's also one where you sort of jack off an alien tentacle that's in the middle of eating someone. It's dedicated to the late H.R. Giger. I'm not going to tell you how to find that either.

Do you know why? Because I'm a good person, and I'm not here to hurt you.

Just don't ask

BAFFLING

It's worth pointing out, after all this, that none of these games so far are actually sexy. Not one, and not a bit. Even the ones that have tried really hard are mostly just like lightly smudging some porn and moving it up and down in front of your face.

But then there are some games that are so defiantly, obviously unsexy that their entire existence becomes a mystery. Like Bejeweled clones where all the colored circles have nipples. Asteroids, except your spaceship is a big cartoon penis. Whatever the fuck is going on here.

Truth be told, there's a ton of sex games out there whose use cannot be parsed. They're just puzzle games or platformers or whatever else but with sexual-but-sexless cartoon details that make them impossible to play anywhere besides the confines of your bedroom or a teenage boy's sleepover. Half of them require too much concentration to masturbate to anyway—though don't let us stop you trying. So, what does that leave? Rebellion? A laugh?

Oh, and also there's a game where you play a machine jacking off a disembodied cartoon robot cock with a smiley face, and for the sake of the species let's pray it's meant to be instructional.

Follow Duncan Vicat-Brown on Twitter.

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