SOME PEOPLE USED FABRICE MUAMBA TO TRY AND GET PUBLICITY
He nearly died on a football pitch, but that didn't stop Britain cashing in
Bolton Wanderers and England Under-21 captain Fabrice Muamba remains in a critical condition in a London hospital after his heart stopped during an FA Cup tie against Spurs on Saturday. The game was abandoned after the 23-year-old collapsed just before half-time. Medics spent six minutes trying to resuscitate him on the pitch, using mouth-to-mouth and a defibrillator. His heart eventually began working again once he arrived at the hospital. He is currently being kept sedated in intensive care. Unsurprisingly, the vast majority of the world's been very sympathetic to Muamba's plight. Everyone says he's a great guy, and feels terrible for his one-year-old son and fiancee. Muamba was born in Kinshasa in what is now the Democratic Republic of Congo. He fled with his parents to London when he was 11. His father Marcel was working as an adviser to former prime minister Mobutu Sese Seku when he was toppled in a coup. It's a very sad situation, and you would have thought that it'd be hard for people to find a way to be a cunt about the possible death of a young man with a young family. But find a way some did: stand up Capital Radio for using Muamba's heart attack as an excuse to further publicise the terrible boyband they created; this rugby-playing, Steak and Blow Job Day-supporting guy from Wales who has since been arrested; and this comedy guy from America who is either a pointless troll or just the worst person of all time. But yeah, as I said, most have shown more class (not hard). UK
DAVID CAMERON IS TRYING TO SELL BRITISH STREETS TO CHINA
Middle Kingdom reportedly eyeing up dowdy chunk of A14
The British government's desperate scrabbling for money grew more desperate this weekend, as David Cameron announced plans to sell our streets and roads to the Chinese. The prime minister is expected to announce plans to privatise the roads when the new budget is announced in a couple of days time. Apparently our infrastructure is falling behind the rest of the world, and Cameron wants to raise millions and millions of pounds before the roads get as bad as they are in Spain. His logic is that the water and sewage networks are already owned by private companies, so why not give them the roads, too? Apparently anyone buying a bit of British road would be set a series of targets, which would include things like reducing congestion and keeping it free of potholes. If the road companies meet these targets, they'll be rewarded with portions of car tax, which currently all goes to the government. The government are also apparently considering introducing toll fees to certain stretches of road that are particularly in need of improvement. George Osborne recently flew out to China to try to sweet-talk one of the world's richest countries into snapping up bits of crumbling British A-road. The Americas
ONE OF THE KONY 2012 GUYS HAD A NAKED PUBLIC BREAKDOWN
The Invisible Children founder took his clothes off and went mad in public
The world had a big laugh at Jason Russell this weekend, as the co-founder of Invisible Children – who were behind that whole Kony 2012 thing – had a nervous breakdown while naked in public. You can pretty much see what happened in that video up there, though there were further reports that Russell had been masturbating when police picked him up near Sea World in San Diego. A statement released since by Invisible Children explained that Russell had been "hospitalised… suffering from exhaustion, dehydration and malnutrition". They blamed it on "the severe emotional toll" that two weeks of going viral takes on a person, and asked that his family be given privacy "during this difficult time". For their part, Russell's family released a statement reassuring the watching world that he wasn't on drugs or drunk or anything.
TWO GUYS KISSED EACH OTHER AT A RICK SANTORUM RALLY
The crowd's reaction made me realise that stupid has its own noise
Hahahahaha. Human Suffering
NORTH KOREA LABOUR CAMPS ARE MORE BARBARIC THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE
This guy escaped from one. You should read the article about him at the Guardian. Then watch the film we made about North Korean labour camps a little while back. I guess this helps explain why the guys in the camp weren't too keen to talk to us.