Finally, a Pastor Who Wants Women to Give Blowjobs

It is sooo reassuring when you find a Christian who can actually talk about boning in a real way. Take, for example, Pastor Mark Driscoll, who wrote a book called Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life Together, a Christian sex manual disguised as a “marriage guidebook” that’s been pissing everyone off for the past two weeks.

Evangelicals are creeped out by Pastor Mark’s book not only because of its endorsement of rigorous fucking, but its advocation of boob jobs, sex toys, role-playing, frequent butt-sex, and blowjobs. It should go without saying, of course, that Mark’s blessings only extend to those practicing straight sex. Liberals are equally grossed out, but for the opposite reason: they accuse Pastor Mark of using Biblical verse to justify his chauvinistic complementarianism.

Like many other cocaine-boogered whippersnappers out there, I usually find it hard to pay attention to the righteous squawks of a religious person for more than a few seconds without zoning out, but Pastor Mark’s tome promised to be juicy. For starters, it opens with a promise that his words will cause uncontrollable clitoral swelling as long as you don’t have a cable subscription: “If you are older, from a highly conservative religious background, live far away from a major city, do not spend much time on the Internet, or do not have cable television, the odds are that you will want to read this chapter while sitting down, with the medics ready on speed dial."

So, after duly putting on some sexy music and underwear, I delved into my (Kindle e-) book. My first obstacle: trying to figure out who the fuck was supposed to be speaking. See, the first half of Real Marriage alternates between Pastor Mark and his wife, Grace, talking about their sex life. But instead of taking turns through alternating chapters, they speak in one voice using the first person singular, like some schizophrenic dicephalic freak of nature. In order to distinguish the POV, their names are bracketed in parentheses, resulting in sentences like “I(Mark)”…”liked fornicating. To stop fornicating was not fun.” Followed by “I (Grace)”…”didn’t fully understand my sin (sic) nature and need for Jesus to die for my sins.” See what I mean?

Anyway, Grace is a major snooze and mostly complains about how much her childhood sucked (relevant because she learned to lie a lot and therefore never told Mark that she cheated on him in high school, and when he figures it out through a dream years later, all hell breaks loose). Pastor Mark, on the other hand, “lied about [his] age, falsified [his] birth certificate, bought a car, and drove [himself] to work at a 7-Eleven (near the strip clubs), where [he] sold liquor, condoms, porn, and rubbing alcohol for freebasing drug addicts,” all by the time he was 15—qualifying him as a super duper badass.

Then, after meeting a manly pastor who had been in the military, enjoyed bow hunting and having sex, and wasn’t a “gay alcoholic” like most Catholic priests, Pastor Mark decided to reform his dick and stop having sex with Grace, which turned out to be “a bummer.” So he quickly changed his mind and put a ring on it, hoping to make up for lost time. However, he found out that God’s way is also a “total bummer” when your wife is a cold fish in the sack. For example, one time she put “a mom’s need for convenience before being a wife” like a real bitch by getting a haircut instead of busting out her flagellation gear.

Pastor Mark and Grace finally work it out after he discovers that her sexual inadequacy was caused by some traumatic incident in her past. “On a scale of 1 to 10,” Pastor Mark proudly concludes, “we’d say our marriage is somewhere around an 8 or 9, when in years past it was a 3 or 4.”

RATING: 2 DILDOS.

Pastor Mark is the coolest pastor ever. He’s got some real street cred, and I can’t believe he’s got the cajones to publish such honest advice for couples, like how wives should drop their husband’s trousers and suck their dicks while murmuring “I am a repentant woman.” I’m just surprised he forgot to mention the part where the guy fucks her throat so hard it gets bruised and she can’t talk back to him the next day—but maybe that’s just a given. 

@MichelleLHOOQ

Previously – Dad's Bedtime Tales No. 5