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Where Is It? Sheffield;
What Is There to Do Locally? Run your hand through the big wall-like fountain outside the train station; throw a chip into the sky, turn around and say "ey up", then catch it in your mouth; forge your own exceptionally depressing male stripper troupe; tense your bicep and say "SEE THAT, CUNT? SEE THAT RIGHT THERE? SHEFFIELD FUCKING STEEL";
Alright, How Much Are They Asking? £99,997, which may as well be £100,000, mightn't it? Just say £100,000, estate agents, you shitshows;And so to Sheffield, home to a quite big shopping centre called Meadowhall, and the only football team in the world with the suffix "Wednesday", and a collapsed steel industry. And home, also, to this four-bedroomed terrace on City Road, which has buried deep within its bowels this mystical black metal dungeon.
Let's revel in this, shall we? Because I think we all know someone who has lived – or at least seems capable of living – in something like this. We all knew some sort of semi-unhinged anarchic metaller called Liam who had a phase during his early teens where he tried to imprint on everyone a more metal name – "Call me Raglor," he's saying, while colouring his fingernails in with a Sharpie, "It's more, like, me?" – and who grew a long, curiously thin, greasy ponytail, and who saved all the £20 notes his dad used to give him when he saw him on weekends after the divorce and put them towards a special long leather trenchcoat ordered in from America. Liam: always bringing the vibe down at parties by scratching a CD off while in full flow and putting a YouTube video of a Dreamtheater song on instead, and who always seemed capable of sleeping on this, two mattresses stuffed on an old piece of foam, no sheet, in a fucking dungeon in Sheffield. Liam was capable of this. Liam wrote "BLACK METAL" on the wall.On VICE Sports: Cristiano Update – Ronaldo Likes Doing Normal Things, Is Afraid To Die Young
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I would love to live in this house, love to. It is £100,000 and sizeable and nice and I really dig the fireplace arrangement. But would I live in it with Liam, and the curious number of empty carrier bags that litter his floor? Would I live there with Liam, Liam trying to get me to drive him to Nottingham because a band called "Piss Dolls" who do bloodletting on stage are performing a sell-out secret show there? Would I live there with Liam, long thin strands of ponytail hair clogging up the bathtub? I would not.Liam has definitely gone down a Wikipedia rabbithole and performed some rituals in this household. He has definitely cursed the ground with salt. Do not buy this £100,000 house in Sheffield. Black metal has settled there like a pall, and it will not budge away, it will not move.@joelgolbyMore opportunities of the week:London Rental Opportunity of the Week: Who Hasn't Dreamed of Having a Shower in Their Kitchen?London Rental Opportunity of the Week: A Chandelier Hung Inside a TurdLondon Rental Opportunity of the Week: A Mattress with Walls in Elephant and Fucking CastleTrending on NOISEY: I'm 16 Years Old And Here's What I Thought Of My Very First Reading Festival