In the Context of Ghosts: A Book Report on 'A Christmas Carol' by Charles Dickens

The Book Report is a series that promises to deliver exactly what it promises: reports on books by the people who’ve read them. Catch evenings of live, in-person Book Reports that will remind you of the third grade in the best possible way with hosts Leigh Stein and Sasha Fletcher every month at The Gallery at Le Poisson Rouge on Bleecker Street in New York. The next one is January 21, 2014. Come All Ye Faithful.

“MARLEY was dead: to begin with” he says1 which establishes some things2. “As dead as a doornail” he says because right, yeah, inanimate objects, hell of dead. Anyway, OK, sorry. So this is about EBENEZER SCROOGE3, who is a shrewd, cold-hearted moneylender. But as we will soon find out, this was not always the case! Because of Literature But so right, OK, in the present we meet SCROOGE who was partnered with MARLEY, who is now dead. SCROOGE has an employee named BOB CRATCHIT who is portrayed as a real nice dude who is underpaid and has a large family and also he is very into Christmas. SCROOGE is either grumpy or excited that around December people spend all their money on frivolities like gifts and dinner instead of their mortgages. And CRATCHIT is all yo can I get Xmas off and SCROOGE is all you you mean humbug day LOL that is what I call Christmas it is a humbug which is a dumb word like how Christmas is dumb and CRATCHIT is all like plz tho? and SCROOGE says mean stuff about Christmas cuz he is a real Grinch5 but CRATCHIT defeats him using logic6 and so the office gets Christmas off7.

OK then Scrooge goes home and his doorknocker is all oogy boogy and that’s weird8 and then he is all in his room and stuff and he keeps seeing things and being spooked and shit and explaining it away because that is what you do with things your brain doesn’t have room for, you construct a narrative to accommodate for the unknown in a way that doesn’t scare you with the unknown. And so then because I guess subtlety wasn’t working9 JACOB MARLEY, his former business partner10 shows up as a ghost11 and he looks real creepy and transparent and has a bandage around his head and then he all unties it and his fucking lower jaw just gets unhinged and flaps around and then he starts talking and says basically YO BRO QUIT BEING A DICK OR YOUR LIFE WILL GET STUPID SHITTY AND YOU WILL DIE IN A WAY THAT IS NOT COOL AND EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST TOTAL AND UTTER BAD STUFF. And SCROOGE is all LOL NO WAY PLUS I BET YR JUST LIKE UNDIGESTED BEEF OR LIKE A FART. YOU ARE LIKE A FART, OR ACID REFLUX, OR MAYBE I AM JUST HAVING A STROKE. YEAH THAT’S TOTALLY IT. and MARLEY is all OK WHATEVER JUST YOU WAIT FUCKER. THREE SPIRITS. CALLING IT. THREE SPIRITS GONNA SHOW UP AND SCHOOL YOU HARD. And SCROOGE is all LOL.

OK so then SCROOGE goes to bed and then, while still in bed, wakes up and there is a real cute little girl who is floating and SCROOGE is all WTF and she is all I am THE GHOST OF XMAS PAST take my hand bro that way you’ll fly and then she takes him to his Christmases past and we learn stuff like once upon a time SCROOGE was real nice and sweet or like, so, he was basically this really lonely and sad little boy who was real studious because that seemed to him to be his chance to maybe get somewhere or also because of family pressure and he spent a lot of time working really hard and was super lonely and and then the GHOST is all whisking you away to another time where SCROOGE works for this awesome friendly dude who throws huge epic Christmas parties which set the company back a huge bundle of cash money but the boss doesn’t care because he is a sweet dude who wants everyone to have a good time, and then also SCROOGE meets this hottie named BELLE12 and is all love is a thing I am feeling and SCROOGE is all oh man feelings I remember these and then the GHOST is all whisking you away to another time and SCROOGE sees himself becoming devoted to money and its accumulations13, and she is all U R NOT HOW U WERE U R SO COLD COME ON BB I LUV U Y CAN’T THIS B ENUF 4 US and he is all YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND I DO LOVE YOU DUH COME ON and she is all U USED 2 LUV ME and turns away all sad-like because sometimes none of us know how to really say the things in our hearts and so we say something else, anything else, and we commit to it because I guess of course we do, and so guess how that ends14. So SCROOGE is all sad and reflective and the GHOST takes him back.

OK so then SCROOGE goes to bed and then, while still in bed, wakes up and there is a real big fat guy with a huge beard hanging out in his room eating all kinds of food, like a lot, like some serious gluttony and opulence is happening. So imagine going through the shit that happened in that paragraph above and then some GIANT BEARDED FAT GUY is in yr house and eating a ton of fucking food and possibly really drunk and repeating himself a lot. Then he is all I am THE GHOST OF XMAS PRESENT and they make some jokes and maybe SCROOGE is loosening up and the GHOST is all I live in the now bro, let's go live in the now 2gether and then they do, live, in the now, 2gether, and they visit CRATCHIT’S family and it is like whoa these people are super poor, BUT THEY LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, AND ARE DOING THEIR BEST WITH THE MEAGER EARNING SCROOGE GIVES THEM, AND THERE IS MUCH SPITE BECAUSE OF IT, but BOB CRATCHIT is all no guys no he’s a jerk but like we are all of us just doing our best right? And at least we have this. And then we meet their son TINY TIM15 who is super ill and dying and they cannot do anything about it because SCROOGE will not pay a decent wage. Oh also they go to SCROOGE’S NEPHEWS house and everyone is all LOL ur uncle is a mean cheapskate and everyone is all yup. and SCROOGE is all is this really how people see me? and the GHOST is all bro i am the GHOST OF XMAS PRESENT and SCROOGE is like SO? and the GHOST is like bro I can literally only show you what is happening right now, in the present and SCROOGE is like FUCK this TINY TIM kid is adorable I hope nothing bad ever happens to him ever. Also SCROOGE is like will he die tho and the GHOST is all if he does he’d better do it the fuck now and decrease the surplus popu-fuckin-lation and SCROOGE is shocked and sad because that is a thing he has always said about the poor and he realizes that that is a seriously fucked thing. Also the GHOST has been getting older this whole time because he dies.

OK so then SCROOGE gets walked to a lonely hill and there is DEATH. OK not really, but like, tall, skeletal, wrapped in shrouds, real ominous, and SCROOGE is like who are you and nothing happens and he is like NO WHO ARE YOU and a voice in his head says I am THE GHOST OF XMAS YET TO COME and SCROOGE is like holy fuck and then a bunch of horrifying things happen and we see SCROOGE’s grave and it is like HERE IS A DEAD GUY WHO NOBODY LIKED BECAUSE HE WAS A FUCKING ASSHOLE TO LITERALLY EVERYONE EVER. And SCROOGE is like that’s harsh, but not really, because at this point he thinks he probably is basically just a shit-heel of a human who has totally misunderstood both the concept and place of love in both the personal and universal sense. And also TINY TIM is dead. And also people are robbing SROOGE’s stuff and saying shitty things about him and he is just all OH MY GOD I GET IT I AM THE WORST THING EVER EVERYONE IS HAPPY I AM DEAD AND BECAUSE I WAS A JERK NICE PEOPLE ALSO DIED AND I AM THE ABSOLUTE WORST and then he wakes up and it is Christmas day because he sticks his head out the window and is all YOU BOY WHAT DAY IS IT? And the boy is like IT IS XMAS DAY BRO WTF COME ON and SCROOGE throws him money and is all BUY ME A BIG TURKEY AND A TREE AND SHIT OK KEEP THE CHANGE YA FILTHY ANIMAL and he sends it all to the CRATCHIT’s and they have an awesome Christmas because now SCROOGE is a changed man because of GHOSTS.

So the moral of the story is that if you know a shitty person send them GHOSTS who will make them understand the ways in which trying to be a generous and giving human who attempts to be as excellent as possible to the people around them even if they fuck up sometimes because they are human and that happens but let’s keep trying anyway. GHOSTS. GHOSTS are the answer to all of your problems guys.16

Footnotes 1 Dickens says, who is English, and therefore probably MORBID and MOROSE and MAUDLIN.

2 What things, you ask? Why not use your imagination? Do I have to explain everything to you?

3 aka MR HUMBUG aka MR GRIM aka MR SKINFLINT aka MR GREEN.

4 Not that literature will be why he was not always this way. I mean yes, obviously literature is why we are here and is the engine moving this work of literature forward, but work with me here come on please.

5 Which is a tall historical creature who is green and has a tiny heart and totally hates Christmas which is why this is such an apt comparison.

6LOGIC: A SHORT PLAY SCROOGE: no you can’t have off CRATCHIT: but everyone has off SCROOGE: fuck I care about everyone CRATCHIT: but it’s Christmas! SCROOGE: fuck I care about Christmas CRATCHIT: but all other businesses will be closed and you won’t have anyone to do business with so you’ll be paying us all wages and also paying for the coal we burn and so you’ll spend all this money without really being able to make any back and so it wouldn’t really be profitable SCROOGE: fuck I care about profitable* * This totally did not at all actually happen because OBVIOUSLY SCROOGE IS ALL ABOUT PROFITS he just gets all huffy because what kind of person likes being proven that their original argument was flawed so that they have to learn something about their worldview and how they participate in shaping their own realities am I right?

7 HOORAY

8 Or just made up by the Muppets who even knows anymore obviously not me.

9SUBTLETY NEVER WORKS YOU GUYS JUST WRITE WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY ON A BRICK AND THROW IT AT THE AUDIENCE OH MY GOD ALREADY COME ON.

10 And former ALIVE PERSON. 11 Because he’s dead.

12 Because I guess all women who are found attractive are hotties in one way or another, right? We are all attracted to something or other, right? Love is in all of our hearts, right? Right? I really hope so you guys. I really really hope so.

13 Maybe I am projecting here but maybe because he feels a deep inadequacy for this woman he loves and wants to be able to provide for her because he has been conditioned by society to believe that what is important is not love and mutual communication and support, but wealth, and the capacity to provide financially, and so has made this decision in the name of love, without ever communicating that decision, leading him down this path. I don’t know, that’s just me.

14 NOT WELL, GUYS. NOT WELL AT ALL.

15 SERIOUSLY THEY CALL HIM TINY TIM HOW IS THIS NOT DESIGNED TO TOTALLY MAKE US LOVE AND TRUST THIS SMALL CHILD* * THE ANSWER IS IT IS NOT

16 Especially SWAYZE.* * RIP SWAYZE.