Noodle photo via Wikimedia Commons; photo of a rattlesnake via PublicDomainPictures.net
Summer is officially upon us, which means sunny days at the beach, picnics in the park, and, unfortunately, a whole horde of new and terrifying shit you have to worry about. That rollercoaster you’re psyched to ride might actually be a death trap. The pool you can’t wait to jump into? Probably swimming with poop parasites. Hell, even waterslides can leave you within inches of your life.If that's not enough to get you to barricade yourself inside with the AC on full blast, behold the latest summertime horror: There could be rattlesnakes hiding out in your pool noodles.
According to ABC 15, a family in Buckeye, Arizona, was about to take a dip in their backyard pool when they grabbed two pool noodles that were resting against a wall outside. Just before they jumped into the water, a fucking rattlesnake reportedly slithered out of one. In a Facebook post headlined "POOL NOODLE ALERT!!!," the Buckeye Fire Department wrote that "the snake did not attack, but was concerned about the pool noodles"—because, apparently, a brood of baby rattlesnakes was living inside of them.Professional snake wrangler Greyson Getty told ABC 15 that in the hellish heat of an Arizona summer—it climbed up to 106 degrees in Buckeye on Monday—snakes, just like us humans, are looking for cool places to hide from the sun. Given that pool noodles are basically just wet, snake-sized caves, Getty said, they're a rattler's ideal getaway."If it's hot, they're dehydrated, they haven't had a meal, and there's a damp pool noodle in a dry desert—if I was a snake and I was dehydrated, I would go to the pool noodle too," he said.To make matters worse, the Buckeye Fire Department added that "after some research, we found that there have been reports of snakes (NOT RATTLESNAKES-they do not lay eggs) actually laying their eggs inside the pool noodle itself." So just think about that before you start slapping your friends with them, or try to blow water out of the hole onto your unsuspecting sibling. Honestly, it's probably best to just lock yourself in your basement for the next two months.Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.Follow Drew Schwartz on Twitter.