For most, Easter’s just a weekend of ramming cheap chocolate into your gob, and lulzing at re-runs of Jim Caviezel trying to make crucifixion look bravura in The Passion of the Christ. But if you were raised Catholic, it involves losing your culinary shit harder than Mel Gibson. So, after a month of being pious and making care packages for orphans, here’s yet another opportunity to binge eat in the name of Jesus. Jerk Easter Bunny
I was anti-eating rabbit for ages, not because they’re adorable, but because of an incident when I was little that involved me chasing down some cute, wild bunnies only to find myself surrounded by the festering understudies of Watership Down, scabbed eyeballs hanging out of their heads, pawing at my feet to be rescued. But, myxomatosis is now on the wane and rabbit meat is actually a delicious and totally free-range meat.
Rabbit legs… cut into chunks
1 x chilli pepper
1 x bunch of spring onions
1 x lime
Lots x jerk seasoning
1 x swig of vegetable oil Step 1.
I had trouble finding rabbit at the supermarket, because our society is fucked to hell and would rather eat battery chicken dippers, than try anything slightly different. So in the end I got mine from the butcher's. You can cook rabbit on the bone, but keep in mind that: a) they’re mad boney, and: b) it will stay looking like lovable little bunny legs, so I just hacked the meat off into chunks. Step 2.
Meat hacked, whizz together spring onions, chilli and oil with some yummy jerk seasoning. Any cuisine that makes goat taste G.O.A.T. is fine by me, but while you’re most welcome to fuck around and waste 20 minutes making your own jerk, the readymade stuff from your unfriendly, local West Indian shop is just as good. Step 3.
Rabbit meat is kinda chewy, 'cos I guess they’re pretty muscle-bound from constantly running away from things trying to kill them, so a good squirt of lime will help tenderise it a little.
Leave the bunny meat to bathe in your jerk sauce, ideally overnight… and that’s pretty much it. When you’re ready to chow down, it just needs to be fried off in its own fat until cooked through.
Then you can serve it up with some sweet potato mash and an OPEN MIND, Y’ALL!
Mini Egg Hot Cross Bun I always used to love the smell of homemade hot cross buns at Easter when I was small. Five-year-old me would snatch them from my mum, take a bite, then just think “fucking gross, why ruin it with shrivelled fruit testicles? And why is this slut still not letting me eat chocolate?” So if, like me, you’re over dried fruit bullshit, you can make this jumbo bun laced with real Easter spirit, AKA Mini Eggs.
1 x tablespoon of dried yeast
1 x lb of plain flour
1 x teaspoon of salt
2 x oz of caster sugar
1 x teaspoon of mixed spice
4 x tablespoons of warm milk
1 x beaten egg, beaten
2 x oz of melty butter
1 x bag of Mini Eggs Step 1.
Dump your yeast into lukewarm water and let it work its stinky chemistry. Step 2.
Meanwhile, empty all the dry ingredients into a bowl and make a well in the middle. Step 3.
Next, pour all the wet stuff, including the yeast, into the well and knead relentlessly, till you get… Step 4.
…this. Visually stunning stuff, right? Now you need to let the yeast witchcraft work, so put your doughball in a bowl, cover with greasy clingfilm and leave for an hour somewhere warm, like an airing cupboard or under that dead body or whatever. Step 5.
If you haven’t screwed up, it should have doubled in size and you can punch it back into shape for another five minutes.
Then push the Mini Eggs thoroughly into the dough and shape into a, umm, bun shape. Step 6.
For the cross, just mush together some flour, water and a little sugar into a paste. I put some purple food colouring in because fuck you. Step 7.
Pipe a cross onto your big bun with an old sandwich bag. Step 8.
Then glaze with some watery maple syrup and bake at 220c for 20 minutes.
Fat and golden, there’s no risk of any stray raisins that look like cremated cat shit ruining THIS mega hot cross bun.
Happy Easter, Jesus freaks!
Previously: Girl Eats Food - Oreo Extravaganza
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