Since I know exactly what makes you li’l crybabies cry like little babies, I’ve put together a sequel to one of my most infamous articles. If you do any of these tricks you’re not as cool as me. If anything said in this article offends you, it’s pretty safe to assume you need someone to give you a hug and say, “Chin up, buttercup.”
Just dumb. Oh! You can pop a wheelie before you hit the wall?! Maaaaan! Idiot. That ain’t impressive. Look, for those of you who for some reason in the year 2012 still can’t actually do a wallride, I’ll break it down for you: Pop a wheelie when approaching the wall, then thrust your forward foot up the motherfucker. If you can turn in them tight-ass pants, make it happen. Done. Wallride. Impressed.
I don’t care which variation you do, it’s an ugly trick. There’s so much going on it looks like an accident.I’m sure, if you do this trick, you also wear stoned-washed jeans and skate around sweaty and shirtless with a crusty ass bandana hanging out of your pocket. You also probably had a mustache in seventh grade. Worst trick. Unimpressed.
Crooked Grind to Fakie
Seriously? Look, you already got the front truck up there. And you just gonna fall back? How do you do that? Would you put your foot on a fence, leave your back foot dangling, and try to lay on your back after jumping over it? Exactly. So why would you do this trick? Smarten up.
Skating a Bank Like It’s Coping
Who the hell does “lip tricks” with no lip? Here’s a novel idea: Why don’t you take your lazy ass to an empty lot and find some cinder blocks—I’m pretty sure you got at least one friend… Actually, some of you nerds don’t got friends so let me try this again. You can go get the cinder blocks yourself. Just lay ’em on top of the bank, and when people show up to skate it you can maybe even make new friends! Then all you and your dweeb crew can chip in for some cement and actually skate a ledge on top of a bank like normal people. That wasn’t so hard now, was it?
5-0 Grind to Switch Crooked Grind
Another lame-ass, hip-gyrating freak show on a curb. Whenever I see people do this trick it reminds me of this one time as a kid when I saw this dude hula-hooping. I’m pretty sure his lip-gloss was popping, and the stain it left on my brain will bleed into a full-fledged seizure if I witness either a hula-hoop or this trick the same again for the rest of my life because they’re basically both the same thing.
Y’all serious with this shit? Because I was under the impression that this was some inside joke (i.e., Lil B) that I wasn’t in on. People really like this trick? WOW.
Tricks into/off of Metal Grates and onto Walls, off Ledges, or Equivalent Corniness
Heeeeey! Look’eh me I’m skating in the city! Stop it, dawg. There’s nothing hard about skating something that drops your speed 80 percent when you hit it. Doing a trick into or off one of these is the same as doing a flat-ground trick while holding your body against a counter.
180 Flip Tricks Over Poles
This is the biggest illusion in skateboarding, plus something people have been getting away with for years, unchecked. Look, if you don’t go up, flip while all four wheels are over said pole, and then turn, that’s cheating. If you don’t like it… well, that’s too damn bad. You’re a cheater, and no one takes you seriously anyway. See how that works?
I’m on the fence whether to tear apart the name or the trick itself. See, I dunno about y’all, but when I think of hippies what pops into my mind is the smell of rotten vagina,, terrible dancing, an old baseball glove emitting from the sun-soaked pores of some drug-induced bohemian, and people rolling around in mud. You get the picture, I’m sure. Still, I demand to know who the hell named this trick?! I’m going to think of another name for this. I would go with crip-hop, but that’s already taken. I’ll get back to y’all on this one. In the meantime, it’s weak. Do better.
The unnecessary boneless, late-flips, pivot-to-tail on a mini-ramp, pushing down the street, and no-comply pole jam. Fuck y’all, I’m out.