This Week in Food Porn: Mango Soup and Apple Oysters

Remember when all you did with your phone was play Snake, buy polyphonic ringtones, and paint the cover of your Nokia 3210 with black nail varnish so it looked like a newer model?

Never such innocence. Never before or since. For now, our phones are handheld portals to all the world and what it's eating.

So go on, grab a fork and try not to stab it through your touch screen. Here is the greatest and most insane food photography uploaded to Instagram this week.

Slainte!

Aloha Saturday! Best recipe #leopardbread #newpost up, check babies! www.theguestgirl.com #theguestgirl

A photo posted by Laura Santolaria (@theguestgirl) on Dec 5, 2015 at 2:04am PST

Are we doing this now? Like baking your own bread wasn't enough, we now have to landmine it with chocolate so that it comes out looking like a cross-section of Bagheera's cousin in The Jungle Book? Well fine, but just you wait until you see my ocelot scones and giraffe pikelets.

I already miss my messy breakfast tables! The stylish watch is from @reubenray_ ! Have a good day friends! A photo posted by Hedi Gh (@h.rebel) on Jun 9, 2016 at 12:33am PDT

Ah mate, you appear to have dropped your watch in a skip. Some psychedelic trance DJ then came along and threw an entire rucksack full of freegan red berries and roses they'd stolen from Esso on top. It's a bit sticky (I think it rolled in the honey) but hopefully you can still use it to time when to take your antibiotics.

To travel more is one of my birthday resolutions this year!!!∴∵

A photo posted by Lance Ong (@lancetaey) on Jun 9, 2016 at 2:22am PDT

Just how cute, exactly, are we meant to be? Because last night I farted under the duvet, against my boyfriend's leg and then accused him of bringing the compost bin to bed.

Beautiful mussels @locorestaurant - studded with green apple ? A photo posted by Rosie Birkett(@rosiefoodie) on Jun 8, 2016 at 2:58pm PDT

Sometimes seafood looks like punctuation and sometimes it looks like aliens and sometimes it looks like flowers and sometimes it looks like military hardware. These look like lost commas, floating on a sea of ice.

Red heirloom tomatoes, yellow cherry tomatoes, Persian cucumbers, olive oil, white wine vinegar, Maldon sea salt, pepper, and charnushka (black cumin). I love simple summer salads like this, especially when the tomatoes are so fresh! # What's your favorite summer salad?

A photo posted by Stupid Easy Paleo | Steph G (@stupideasypaleo) on Jun 8, 2016 at 8:16pm PDT

Sure they're black cumin seeds. Sure. But if they were fleas or bits of coal or tiny flecks of gravel, I'd still eat it. A salad is a salad, after all.

Dip into this creamy, chocolatey hazelnut spread or enjoy a scoop with fresh berries. When kept in a sterile jar, our #BBtella lasts up to a week in the fridge. Find out what the special protein-rich ingredient is and watch just how simply it's made in the latest episode of #EatingWell on All 4. Link in bio! #GoodAndSimple #ChocolateSpread #Chocolate A photo posted by Jasmine + Melissa (@hemsleyhemsley) on Jun 7, 2016 at 4:34am PDT

When I first scrolled past this photo, I genuinely thought it was a microscope image of some exotic constellation of bacteria. In fact, it's a rather delicious sounding, spherical pudding. It just goes to show what a difference a bit of scale can make.

Spirulina popsicles. @greensmoothiegourmet. Tag @mealsfromaroundtheworld and #mealsfromaroundtheworld for a feature.

A photo posted by @mealsfromaroundtheworld (@mealsfromaroundtheworld) on Jun 9, 2016 at 2:20am PDT

There's nothing like the cool, refreshing taste of frozen seaweed on a stick, especially when that factor 30 is burning into your eyelashes and your thigh has become stuck down the slats of a park bench.

Cold pineapple mango soup with falafel balls. Kalte Ananas -Mangosuppe mit Falafeln . #stuggi #stuttgart #0711 #benztown #food #foodporn #foodie #art #artist #bio #organic #vegan #colors #plating #chef #kitchen #ufc #mma #diet #gym #nutrition #painting #foodphotography #croatia #euro2016 #passion #nature #travel #selfie #wanderlust A photo posted by Damir Spajic (@therealdamirovic) on Jun 9, 2016 at 2:22am PDT

Cold mango soup with falafel balls? In a bowl that looks like a late 80s design for a leisure centre carpet? All topped off with a small lily pad and some blown-in pot pourri? Yes PLEASE garçon!

Beef sirloin toasts! Sarah Phillips @food. #food #colorsoffood #toasts #sirloin #edibleflowers #heresmyfood #gatheringslikethese #dsfloral #dscolor @uglyproduceisbeautiful

A photo posted by Sarah Phillips (@food) on Jun 7, 2016 at 5:38am PDT

"Beef on toast" sounds like something we used to accuse Natalie Haydock of having when she got off school early to go to the doctor's.

Granny Smith apple, raspberry poached kohlrabi, gooseberries, and cucumber by @czarneckigregory #TheArtOfPlating A photo posted by The Art of Plating (@theartofplating) on Jun 8, 2016 at 8:15pm PDT

If you have the time to do this to an apple then all power to your elbow, but I'll be out back just trying to find a cure for acne with these motorbike engine parts and some bicarbonate of soda.