This article first appeared on MUNCHIES in July 2015.
Summer's the perfect time to waste two months' worth of salary on three-day passes to music festivals. That's basically the price you pay to have the right to listen to live music between a dude that hasn't showered for a week and another that is out of his mind on MDMA. But above all, you are going to live the funnest moments of your summer to the rhythm of huge bands, selfie sticks, and one-night stands inside of a tent. And yes, you are going to be super thirsty.
To spare you the infernal torture that are the endless trips from the bathroom lines to the bar lines (and to make you save some money), here's a little guide with the best tricks for sneaking your own supply of alcohol into a music festival.
The beer served at festivals is typically expensive and disgusting, which even makes you wonder if they cut it with water to make you piss even more. It's time for you to take care of your bladder and start smuggling in some beers that are worthy of being called that.
For this trick, you are going to need a soda can, a cutter, and of course a can of beer. Cut the bottom of the soda can—it's better if you drink the soda first—then rip it open and put the can of beer inside of it. The idea is to walk by the security guards with a can of soda in your hand.
To conceal a bottle of an alcoholic beverage inside a pack of bread is the most imaginative hiding trick after that one time a guy tried to sneak drugs inside boxes of asparagus. If you place it right between a pack of prosciutto and a jar of pickles, the security guard will let you in, with the added bonus of thinking that you are a true gourmet. (You are a true boozer.)
This one is for you, girls. We have a solution for when your boyfriend gives you shit about the apocalyptic mess that is at the bottom of your purse. Under the dozens of receipts, old lipsticks, and forgotten tampons (oh there's one!), and a whole bunch of other unidentified objects, there is a wine box hidden. Although this plan is quite practical and super-easy to do, sipping rosé among all those dudes binge-drinking beer is truly the snobbiest thing that you can do at a festival. You have been warned.
This mischievous technique partners the freshness of grapes with the sweetness of your favorite liqueur—which you should inject beforehand into the fruit. The only moment when this is hard to handle is when you realize that you are actually becoming a junkie.
Concealment has been a true art since the beginning of times. In Islam, the taquiya is the active or passive action of hiding that you are part of a certain religion. In feudal Japan, the ninjas' infiltration techniques were used with political and military purposes to gather precious information.
And in the festivalgoer's world, knowing how to hide your booze is a real duty. Here I present you with two classics: The crafted camelback made with the help of a hot-water bag and a plastic tube, and a flask duct taped to your ankle so that it will avoid the inevitable body search at the festival's doors.
Is there anything more innocent than a suckable fruit pouch? They are the remains of a magical time when you were six and you didn't have to drink alcohol to feel good. These small sugary bombs won't rile the attention of the giant man whose sole mission is to go through your personal belongings—he's more concerned with finding your weed. That makes them the perfect hideaway; but also a relatively well-known trick by security, so be careful.
Other than that, it's very simple: start by emptying the fruit pouch—if you are a real pro, you won't even break the seal—and fill it with strong alcohol. You also have the chance to improvise with a cocktail made of fruit puree.
Disclaimer: MUNCHIES does not encourage alcohol consumption outside the framework established by the festival's organizers. Be responsible. We always are!
Arnaud films movie clips and drinks alcohol in an adult and responsible way. He has a website and a blog.
Special thanks to Lucie B. and Johnny FUZION4000