Alex Jones, a man who is the physical embodiment of an online comments section came to life, has a theory about what's wrong with Donald Trump. According to Jones, for the past two months, every sip of Diet Coke that goes down the First Throat has been laced with powerful sedatives that are causing Trump to slur his words and are rendering him incapable of coherent thought.
During Monday's long, loud InfoWars broadcast, Jones shared the details of this nefarious plot, even though he believes that he's putting himself in danger by yelling about the President's soda into a live mic. "The information you're going to get today is super dangerous," Jones said. "In fact, I'm tempted just to let it out now so they don't cut the show off or something before this goes out. I mean this is the kind of thing that gets you killed."
In the time between advertisements for his own nutraceuticals and emergency survival meals, Jones said that he has confirmed the story with multiple sources; whether or not those sources live outside the walls of his own skull is TBD.
"But I've talked to people, multiple ones, and they believe that they are putting a slow sedative that they're building up that's also addictive in [Trump's] Diet Cokes and in his iced tea and that the president by six or seven at night is basically slurring his words and is drugged," Jones insisted. "Now first they had to isolate him to do that. But yes, ladies and gentleman, I've talked to people that talk to the President now at nine at night, he is slurring his words. And I'm going to leave it at that. I've talked to folks that have talked to him directly."
According to Jones, a man who believes that feminism has been "designed to end humanity" and that former president Barack Obama personally brought Ebola into the United States, Trump isn't the first president to be slowly poisoned by—as he's previously called it—the Borg state. No, Ronald Reagan was given "cold blood" after a 1981 assassination attempt, which left him with brain damage even before he was repeatedly drugged with "small amounts of sedatives."
President George W. Bush was also a victim. "Between him on the campaign trail and him getting into office, he became a bumbling moron," Jones said. "You could look at him, and I could tell you he was drugged up. You look at him today, they admit he's on a bunch of psychotropics. He sits there naked in his bathtub doing those paintings."
OK, Alex. We'll tell Trump to back off the soda—we swear. But let's not forget the real conspiracy here, propagated by Mr. Trump himself:
And yet, even with this disturbing claim, he just keeps pressing that little red button.