Here Is the Weirdest Thing You'll Ever See in a British Chain Bar

This article originally appeared on VICE UK. Editor's Note: Wetherspoons is a "pub chain" with nearly 1,000 outlets.

Everyone in Britain has a "Wetherspoons Story," don't they? My Wetherspoons Story is this: once, a friend of ours got so drunk at Wetherspoons that two of us had to hold him by the elbows while he pissed, but because both of us were looking forcibly away from him mid-piss so as not to see his angry red little penis emitting urine in a blast, we missed the moment he lost consciousness and cracked his head massively on the ceramic of a urinal. See, that's a Wetherspoons Story! There was blood absolutely everywhere. His mom got really mad at us when we took him home because she was a nurse, and she was all, "There's piss in his cut!" But that's just Wetherspoons, isn't it? It's the kind of places where people go for a few quiet drinks on a Tuesday and end up with piss in their cuts.

But whatever your Wetherspoons Story is, it pales in comparison to Thomas Greatorex's Wetherspoons Story, because Thomas Greatorex's Wetherspoons Story involves—well, how to describe this man? He is rocking three iPads and is illuminated from below like a Christmas Tree. He is alone in a Wetherspoons drinking a coffee. His iPad cases are coordinated to his alphet. He's got at least two iPhones on the go, and some fancy headphones that, presumably, must be for DJing? It's just so hard to know what he is up to. Anyway, let's for now go with "Wetherspoons Christmas Tree DJ" and just call him that.

Anyway: I spoke to Thomas about Wetherspoons Christmas Tree DJ, and what his motivations might be, and how he apparated into a Hackney branch of Wetherspoons, and what the steaks were like that night, and also seriously what the fucking deal is with Wetherspoons Christmas Tree DJ?

VICE: What is the fucking deal with Wetherspoons Christmas Tree DJ Man?Thomas Greatorex: I've no idea who or what he is. I was in 'Spoons last night—Steak Club—and on the way out I noticed him in the corner glowing like fucking Lawnmower Man or something.

Which Wetherspoons are we talking, here?
Baxter's Court on Mare Street. It's not my favorite, but it's pretty good. Proper ace service in there and if you sit in the VIP bit it's pretty quiet (there isn't a VIP bit really, that's just what I call the upstairs of Wetherspoons).

Is that the one everyone goes to to get a buzz on before going to the cinema?
I reckon so, yeah. The toilets in there are top notch—in fact I think they actually won an award1. Although a lot of the cubicle doors have swastikas scratched into them, so I'm not sure who was doing the awarding. It's ideal to get canned up in before you go to the pictures.

I'm guessing from your intimate knowledge of the toilet swastikas that this is a semi-regular haunt for you?
A few years ago my mate was the manager of that particular 'Spoons. He was there the day that that end of Mare Street got closed down because someone had gone into 'Spoons and bashed up a fella's head with a load of snooker balls and then legged it. There were snooker balls rolling down Mare Street. I'd like to point out that I don't scratch swastikas into toilet doors, by the way. But yeah. I go there quite a bit.

I feel like I need to take a quick journey into the snooker ball anecdote.
Okay.

Like: how many snooker balls are we talking here? I'm assuming the 'Spoons doesn't have a snooker table, which suggests the attacker bought them from home? Also did the guy live, I guess…?
Well there's very little violence or malevolent behavior in that 'Spoons—people just like to go there to get away from all the shit in their lives, me included—so it was quite a surprise. You're right, there's no snooker/pool tables in there so the attacker brought them with him. Perhaps from another pub? They were in a sack. I think the guy lived but I can't quite recall. I'm guessing he did or my mate would definitely be banging on about the time he saw a fella get murdered with some snooker balls. 2

I guess he must have really done something, though. Like: a sack of snooker balls is so many snooker balls. That is not a whimsical assault.
There must have been a full set in there, I mean they were rolling down the street.

Anyway: I'm playing judge and jury. Let's talk about this Christmas Tree Man—what was his technical set-up?
This guy had three iPads, two iPhones and these mad headphones with lights all over them. His outfit matched his iPad cases, too.

Was he emitting a lot of noise?
This is the mental thing: there was not only no noise, but from where I was stood he didn't have any external keypads for the iPads. He was just jabbing at them like he was in Minority Report.

What was he doing? Was he playing an incredibly complex game of Angry Birds?
He was either hacking into a mainframe somewhere or starting up the new Silk Road. Or, more likely, just getting played up on Plenty of Fish or Adult FriendFinder so much that he had to give each site its own dedicated screen.

How long did you observe him?
In my mind it was about five minutes, but in reality probably no more than two. Time slowed down.

Have you or your manager mate seen him before?
I've never seen him before in my life, neither has anyone else I've spoken to.

Where did you come from, Wetherspoons Christmas Tree DJ?
I didn't notice him arrive. His set up was well studied but his iPad cases looked proper budget. I'm pretty certain they were chosen to compliment his outfit rather than for practical purposes.

That is the most practical purpose. Was he on his own throughout? Did he have a steak?
He was solitary. I imagine that's how he likes it. My steak was ace. There's a trick at 'Spoons, right, so if you want your steak medium-rare, you have to ask for it rare. Just use that scale for however you like it cooked and you can't fail. Unless you want it rare, then you're fucked.

[ Then follows a very long conversation about Wetherspoons food which, for brevity, has been deleted, but needless to say we are both quite pumped to try Mexican Mondays for the first time]

Thanks for your time, man.
No problem. I'm happy to talk about 'Spoons all day.

So that's where we are: we know the details of Wetherspoons Christmas Tree DJ's technical set-up, and the time and place he was doing his iPad things, and we know that if you mess with the wrong people around Mare Street then Thug John Virgo is going to turn up and do a trickshot with your head. But we still don't know what this guy was doing with all those iPads and why he was doing it, alone, mid-Steak Club, in a Hackney branch of Wetherspoons.

Here's where you come in, VICE reader. Because normally when we don't know something you are straight in the comments, all, "Ugh, VICE, he's clearly dealing drugs in some complex and new way that involves iPads," and we get called into a meeting where someone says: why did you not know kids are dealing drugs in complex ways using iPads?, and we get a verbal warning. But this time we genuinely want you to tell us what-in-the-fuck Wetherspoons Christmas Tree DJ is up to. What is he doing? What is he doing? Do you know him, or does Wetherspoons Christmas Tree DJ operate without friends, a lone wolf with an iTunes account and a taste for solitude and cheap cider? Any and all conspiracy theories welcomed below the fold.

@joelgolby

1. Wetherspoons in general has won awards for its excellent toilets. This is a thing. The 'Loo of the Year' awards are a thing. If you are a judge in the awards and you can tell us how each individual loo is assessed ¬– do you have to personally deposit something in every pub toilet in the running? What's the worst toilet you've ever seen? – then please get in touch.↩

2. If you are the man who got attacked on the head by some snooker balls, please also get in touch. We just want to know if you are OK.↩