Spring has sprung at Ella Paradis, where the lube flows as freely as the mystery liquid of that one Japanese television show, and the sex toys are on sale for up to 85 percent off. While it’s tempting to buy up all the cheapo, battery-powered bullet vibrators and toss them like confetti over the RNC, we suppose maturity means taking a moment to be a little more strategic about what we’re investing in this spring. And with fatty discounts like this, we know we ought to bite the proverbial bullet (sorry) vibrator, and find the savings on the best sex toys for couples. Because we’re vaccinated! We’re ready for the safely slutty, Brood X summer—but our sexual pantry is not.
Know that even if you don’t have a sexual partner RN, these are also great solo toys. And, hands down, couples' sex toys are some of the most expensive sexual wellness items and packages out there; You are quite literally paying for the bells, whistles, feathers, chains, and remote controls for two. So, yes. When a sale comes in at up to 85 percent you ballsack out! You get that luxury Swedish penis ring that otherwise costs $300; you invest in a blanket that was literally designed to be cummed on and tossed in the wash, rather than continue wasting tragic Kleenexes.
From penis sleeves to app-controlled couples vibrators, comfy S&M gear to male G-spot stimulators, we (happily) did the dirty work of sifting through the sale rack of Ella Paradis’ monster sex toy sale.
For pleasing the “male” G-spot
The Nexus is one of those lifelong, enviable investments. It's the Peloton of “male” G-spot magnets. The Cadillac of buttgasm givers. You can stash this by your bike pumps and weights and TBH, no one would really do a double take. We love that it kind of looks like a bike seat. (Which, according to the Internet, kind of looks like Timothee Chalamet. Is this doing something for you? No? Sorry). There are 12 intense prostate rotation and vibration combinations that can be controlled from about 26 feet (eight meters) away with the little Apple remote thing. Normally, it can cost nearly $400 with shipping. But today, the horny gods smile upon you for just over $200.
Nexus Prostate Revo Stealth w/ Remote Control,
$340.99 $229.39 at Ella Paradis
With or without a partner
Here’s how this works: Slide this vibe in the vagina so that the top rests on the clit, and you can hump and vibrate yourself to the heavens. ~Or~ you can wear it with a penis’d partner (yes, during penetration) for extra vibrational stimulation. You can even slide it over your fingers and make a vibrating knuckle ring, and use the remote control (which works up to roughly 10 feet away) to get extra kinky. It’s a straightforward toy but also all about your own creativity, honestly, and it’s so compact (as well as waterproof) that it’s one of the best sex toys to have on-hand in your bag during a weekend trip.
Better Love Fiji Couples Vibe,
$274.99 $82.29 at Ella Paradis
This penis ring from one of the best luxury companies
If anyone takes their vibrators seriously, it’s the Swedish sex toy makers at Lelo (great health care = great sex toys). They engineer the bejeezus out of their toys, making quiet, luxury vibrators that deserve a spot on the mantle (and one penis masturbator/”Fleshlight” type sleeve with its own Dark Knight trailer). So of course their penis ring is going to take its job just as seriously, and have a hammerhead vibrator that can’t miss the clit, but isn’t weird and pointy like some rabbit attachments on peen rings. It’s fully rechargeable, stretchable, remote-control enabled, and can even vibe at a depth of three feet (one meter) underwater. Take it on the schooner.
Lelo Tor 2 C-Ring,
$228.99 $152.89 at Ella Paradis
If you’re penis stroker-curious
...and not ready to invest in, say, a Fleshlight modeled after a porn star’s vagina (no shade, Kissa Sins). This penis sleeve has a lowkey, come-hither design that is remote-control enabled, and not only strokes the shaft but can reach the perineum and the clit depending on placement. “My wife bought this for us to enjoy,” says one reviewer, “We have a few toys and have always had good, fairly uninhibited sex. [But] this takes things to a new level. Using solo, while watching her with a vibe, it is an amazing sensation and it is a real challenge not to cum. But you have to hold on, because this thing really shines when used as a couple. With my dick in this and my wife on top, riding this toy, it was literally mind blowing.”
Hot Octopuss Pulse Duo w/ Remote,
$246.99 $176.49 at Ella Paradis
If you experience painful vaginal penetration, meet this penis buffer
You will not find the Ohnut on just any site. It’s one of those thoughtful, start-up-y toys that hardly begets the name “toy” because it does some seriously important work. Not that orgasming/feeling your oats isn’t serious and important, but the jelly Ohnut stackers are designed not just for increasing pleasure, but reducing pain upon vaginal penetration from things like endometriosis. Even if you don’t feel you need these, please: Tell your friends about them, and help spread the gospel of the Ohnut revolution.
Ohnut Intimate Wearable Bumper (Set of 4)
$170.99 $114.09 at Ella Paradis
It’s time to level up from the cum rag
It’s time to move on from using whatever you find in your floordrobe for cleaning up cum. It’s just awkward, and no one likes that moment of waiting whilst you forage for the ill-fated team-building shirt. Please, just have a plush, velvety blanket on-hand that you can beat to the heavens, and throw in the laundry with zero worries. Liberator is known for its masterful sex furniture, and the brand's liquid-safe blanket line is versatile enough to live on your couch, your bed, the back of your car, wherever.
Liberator Fascinator Throw,
$191.99 $126.99 at Ella Paradis
Control this one from anywhere in the world
The year is 2021: Disneyland Paris is administering vaccines, The Masked Singer exists, and you have your own, personal anglerfish couples vibrator that you can control from anywhere in the world via the sex toy’s phone app. The OhMiBod almost makes life too real, so we’re glad it also makes it super orgasmic during these socially distanced times. “My boyfriend and I keep seeing viral videos on social media with this toy,” writes one reviewer, “So we thought of trying it out for ourselves. And DUDE!!!! It was absolutely fun.”
OhMiBod Esca 2,
$226.99 $152.89 at Ella Paradis
Thank god someone made a remote erogenous vibrator
When the aliens sift through the Amazon Mountain Landfill, they will no doubt find heaps of whale-tail style couples' vibes. What they won’t find as much of? Remote-controlled palm vibrators, designed for pleasuring one's erogenous zones. We’re not surprised the thoughtful folks at Lelo undertook this design task, and we can’t stop staring at this baby (which is also waterproof, and can be motion sensor activated).
Lelo Lyla 2,
$240.99 $162.29 at Ella Paradis
The rabbit vibrator alone on this is worth it
We’ve said it before: Don’t sleep on The Fifty Shades of Grey sex toy line. Seriously. There’s thoughtful design in everything, and pretty subtle branding for a bunch of dildos made after a horny book series/Universal Pictures movie franchise. The rabbit vibrator in this kit is worth the reduced price alone; the material is sturdy but not too hard on the clitoris, and has a flat bottom so one can really *mount* it. Throw in a solid vibrating penis ring, bullet vibrator (keep it in your bag during this safely slutty, vaccinated summer), silver handcuffs, and an eye mask? These are the kinds of items that would ring you into the hundreds at checkout.
Fifty Shades of Grey Pleasure Overload Greedy Girl Play Box (5 piece),
$217.99 $146.99 at Ella Paradis
Your personal clitoral acrobat
Don’t be intimidated by this manta ray. If you look at it and think, “Where the hell do I put that?” the answer is, everywhere! Place it over the penis, above the clit, under the penis, lightly clamped on your nips. “This has to be the best product I have at the minute,” writes one reviewer, “Soft smooth and even tho it might not look it, it is very comfortable and sits well. This toy hit the spot [the] first time, and I haven’t even tried all the settings or speeds yet.”
Better Love MaiTai Multi-fun Couples Vibe,
$234.99 $70.59 at Ella Paradis
Lube you’ll want on display
There aren’t many sex toy companies like Dame, which was founded in 2014 and holds everything they make, be it lube or vibrators, to a standard that’s rare in the industry. The founders, Alexandra Fine (sexologist) and Janet Lieberman (engineer), disrupted the industry precisely because they wanted to up its “value engineering” standards, and their deep blue, graphic lube is proof. Look at that happy O face! The minimal bottle! No more lubes that look like bottles of lighter fluid. Only lubes like Alu, which is aloe-based and made from organic, pH-balancing ingredients, and manages to be both chic and discreet on our nightstand.
Dame Products Alu Lubricant,
$29.99 $26 at Ella Paradis
A jet pack for ya balls
Like being Iron Man, but without the whole military industrial complex-funded energy. Can you imagine the lift-off this gives your schlong?? “Worn against the frenulum,” a.k.a. that spot below the tip of the penis, this is a “stretchy, silicone ring [that] sits snug” whilst a symphony of vibrational patterns and, yes, “treble & bass levels” massage the penis.
Hot Octopuss JETT Guybrator,
$175.99 $82.29 at Ella Paradis
If you want new textures for your vagina or perineum
A TV science kit from the 1990s? Nah, just a seven-piece sex toy kit that that spotlights texture. Hence, why this set looks like it came from the Discovery Store; every sleeve for the vibrator has its own nubby texture (including one that would make a great scalp massager) and the anal beads are so pretty, we just might make them a key chain. Also love that the Kegel balls come with leash, for chrissakes.
Adam & Eve The Complete Lover's Kit,
$87.99 $58.79 at Ella Paradis
Restraints that hide under your bed
Well, isn’t that clever. This is one of the best kinds of restraints to have on-hand, because it’s suuuper easy to install (no drilling or anything) by fastening from under the bed, and having right there on-hand (and foot/feet) when you want to go spread-eagle. The cuffs are also Velcro, and won’t go clanging to the floor when you unfasten them with ~passion~.
Sportsheets Under The Bed Restraint System,
$105.99 $70.59 at Ella Paradis
See you in the best sex furniture aisle next, right by the wedges.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. VICE may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.