Like spaghetti and squirting, we can’t quite remember the first time we heard about sex furniture. But since that moment, we have regularly wondered: Is buying furniture just for the purpose of banging on it actually worth it?
First we'd need to answer the essential question: People have sex on all different types of beds and sofas and rugs, so what is, and isn’t sex furniture? It's only by exploring the limits, skills, and brands that we've been able to confidently share what you should have on your radar if you're looking to have better sex, or at least sex that can save us from a little bit of quarantine ennui by going, “Hey. Wanna fuck on that giant high-heeled shoe?”
The parameters aren’t as rigid as you might think. A venture into Reddit’s /LowLibidoCommunity—one of many, meaty subreddits with impassioned, novel-length reviews and questions on sex furniture—testifies to the vitality of the ongoing bend-over-backwards-pillow universe, including symposiums on the many “wedges” by the iconic sex furniture brand Liberator, as well as hot takes on the new “Nugget” furniture modules, which are marketed as children’s couches, but have ended up as accidental sex furniture in a whooooole “Nugget After Dark” corner of the web.
Given the year we’ve had (and are having), what’s wrong with a wee splurge on a new lower back roll pillow for the couch? All those wiggle candles and that fancy hand soap might make your crib a little sexier, but what about the sex itself? Many of the following pieces are adaptable, accessible in design, and better versions of the crap futon you have for guests. An upgrade for everyone, including your libido.
“Sex furniture has come a long way from shoving a pillow under your butt,” explained VICE’s Sirin Kale, in an article that highlights everything from le classic Liberator Wedge to an artistic sex chair, the Adela, thus “named for a mythical Mexican female revolutionary [and] reimagines sex furniture through the concept of feminist history.”
So maybe our question should be, “What isn’t sex furniture?” Glass coffee tables? Rickety chairs? The poster child of sex furniture is sex dungeon-y chevals—which is great, do you—but the truth is that sex furniture is much more versatile. (And perfect for a shared evening of Pantsdrunk shenanigans.) And best of all, these are the most discreet sex objects one can own. Many pieces are Transformer couches, lounge rollers, and wavy rocking chairs that can chill incognito in the living room. Others look like lowkey geriatric pillows sold at Brookstone, are in fact sold at Brookstone, and help us realize that we really don’t need to make a big hoopla about all this. We just gotta sit back, put our feet in the stirrups, and relax.
Your first slice
A classic. The Liberator Wedge’s job is to be the most supportive slice in your life, with a “specially designed angle [that] helps hit the G-spot or the prostate every time for increased sensations and incredible orgasms.” It also feels really luxurious if you’re trying to get off with a vibrator and need more back support.
Liberator Wedge, $125 at Adam & Eve
The golden Nugget
Or, the “atomic, Dijon yellow,” per the official Nugget poets. This is the famed Nugget, whose color description alone should have told us that this couch was always in for way more than just swallowing Legos. You get four pieces with this set, which is often sold out and kind of pricey, so try opting for a limited edition find (like the Dijon dream) on eBay.
Nugget Limited Edition Saturn, $575 at eBay
The one from a 1980s Miami timeshare
For the sheer joy of purchasing sex furniture that transforms itself into a stool-type chair (just fold the tail end over the fatter portion). This burgundy colored set feels like it could’ve been right at home in a horny 1980s vacation pad, ready for you to sip Carlo Rossi all over it.
Liberator Flip Ramp Intimate Positioning Pillow, $149 at Brookstone
The one you can just deflate
Because we don’t all have room for a big, errant Wedge in our apartments, but everyone can store a random, deflated pillow, this is the easy-to-hide option. This blow-up wedge is rather stately in design, and comes with a handcuff and blindfold package. Gift it to your partner. Gift it to yourself, so you can Velcro down, eye-mask up, and wait to get beamed-up.
DOMINIX Deluxe Large Inflatable Wedge, Handcuff and Blindfold Set, $59.99 at Lovehoney
An under-the-sea wedge
The Cult of the Shell Pillow is right up there with blob candles and spray foam mirrors on Instagram. We say: Make it a sex thing. It already has the ridges, the ergonomic wedge type shape, the half-moon (excuse: clam) form. And this shiny guy can live truly unassumingly on furniture both retro and modern in design. Mother will never know.
Shell Pillow, $24.99 at Amazon
The knock-off Nugget
Here is your blank canvas. The “Foamnasium” is basically another version of the Nugget for waaay less money, but has all the Build-A-Bear fun of the hyped brand; you can configure it into different shapes for lower back support or a better bend-over position. It’s also intended for children, but we absolutely never knew that and it’s not weird?
Foamnasium Blocksy Mini,
$159 $136.99 at Wayfair
A rocking chair for getting oral sex in space
It kind of looks like a giant severed artery, but in a cool way. At this point, you’re probably learning that solid sex furniture is all about smooth design, versatility, and putting ridges in the right places. Furniture retailer Driade is filled with a bunch of pieces that are ripe for being converted into sex furniture, like this (unofficially) dubbed Oral Sex Rocking Chair.
Driade MT3 Rocking Chair, $1,220 at 2Modern
The gateway blanket to sex furniture
Plot twist: with the right blanket, anything can kind of be sex furniture. If you’re not ready to invest in a whole couch set-up, or even a wedge, a water-proof (a.k.a. sweat-proof) throw like this can help nudge you towards facilitating, say, fun but messy butt stuff and massage oil play. It’s way easier to get in the mood for sex when you know you won’t have to get stain remover.
Liberator Fascinator Moisture-Proof Blanket, $82.76 at Amazon
The horny conversation pit
A couch, and a reminder: One day, we will have safe orgies again. This floor set reminds us of all the horny conversation pits of yore, the low-slung couches we’d see in old Playboy and Architectural Digest magazines from the 70s. Get one in purple, because Prince would want you to.
Velvet Purple Floor Seating, $645 at Etsy
The Tootsie Roll
Another incognito pillow that will move with you as you pivot, roll, or want to play some version of sexual Whac-A-Mole. “When placed under your ankles, it enhances the range and strength of your forward movements. Under hips, it provides lift and movement for longer oral episodes, or stretch out on top of it for stimulating from-behind positions.” There are also hidden rings on the side that you can use to attach restraints.
Liberator Black Label Whirl, $167.99 at Ella Paradis
If you’re not into the velvet look
Velvet-feeling fabric is to sex furniture what cast iron is to skillets: a really great traditional staple, but not all that’s out there on the market. This couch is high-density foam, but comes with a good-grip, mesh covering that won’t turn it into a slip-n-slide. Unfold it, and you’ve got a solid guest mattress.
Milliard Tri-Fold Foam Folding Mattress at Amazon
The one to match your wiggle candle
We love Flubber. We love Y2K nostalgia. We love this milky, neon green couch as a reminder of both (plus it has big hungry, hungry ass-eating caterpillar energy). It’s definitely not super concealable at 72 inches in length, but why would you want to hide this vibe? Goes perfectly with sculptural candles.
Wrought Studio Amettes Faux Leather Armless Chaise Lounge, $299.99 at Wayfair
The big Liberator combo
You’ve done it. You’ve tried the OG Liberator Wedge, you’re hooked, and now it’s time for the extension pack. Which is worth it, if the Adam & Eve reviews are anything to by; “My girl and I literally do not have sex without it now,” writes one of many post-glow users, “Good for me too because it lets her stay in those positions for as long as I want to tongue her asshole for.” Sold!
Liberator Ramp & Wedge Combo, $235 at Adam & Eve
If you miss going to kitschy roadside motels
Alas, we’re not travelling to the Poconos just yet to bathe in a giant Champagne glass, or flying into the kitschy arms of the iconic Madonna Inn resort. But we really, really miss America’s gaudy hotels. So getting spanked over the side of a giant cheetah print shoe is the next best thing.
Zoomie Kids Cheetah Print Chair, $189.99 at Wayfair
When you need to sit on a dick
Of all the shopping infernos on the web, none delivers quite like Wish.com. Case in point: this worm-colored dildo sex ball, stemmed by a rubber peen. Half the joy (and horror) of Wish is in figuring out how its crap works, and it looks like this thing (which comes in three shapes: cube, apple, and ball) gets filled up with water for your mounting pleasure. We see so many lives for this ball. Masturbator. Poolside accessory. Horseshoe toss.
Dildo Sex Ball,
$68 $29 at Wish
That wraps up our foray into sex furniture, but if you want to populate your whole life with even more wedges and cubes: continue scoping sex toy retailers like Ella Paradis and Lovehoney, and prepare to keep stealing all the furniture from all the children on websites like Wayfair, whose conversation pit game is so wonderfully, absolutely out of control. How is this olive dream not for 30-year-olds? What a time to be alive (and boning).
Your faithful VICE editors independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. We may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.