The Best Dildos, According to Real Horny Reviewers

When you think of sex toys, you probably think of dildos—specifically, the translucent jelly schlongs that have graced the windows of seedy adult stores (bless them) since the 90s. Those hot rods will always hold a special place in our hearts and our [redacted], but our tastes have evolved. We’re taking our H&R Block agent’s advice this year, and diversifying our investment portfolio with 24-karat gold luxury dildos, E-stim dildos, and this dildo that looks like it was made out of Italian Murano glass.  

If all of this sounds tight but overwhelming, don’t sweat it. There’s a meaty VICE guide to every sex toy ever (even the Vajankle), but today we’re going to be breaking down some of the best dildos for every kind of horny person, according to not only various dildo specs and explainers, but to the real, horny reviewers who have lubed them up for a private rodeo. Generally, dildos are designed to stimulate the G- and P-spot, but there are endless variations and add-ons you can make to the dildos in your life, from fantasy schlongs to blended orgasm machines.  

Cum along as we cover the best introductory dildos, the best partner play dildos, and the best dildos that will make you feel like you’re riding a sandworm from Dune. 

Bienvenue, you’re now entering the world of dildos. Grab some silicone-compatible lube and cozy yourself up to this seven-incher from Amazon to get the ball(s) rolling. This compact vibrator is a bestseller on the site, and has earned a 4.4-star average rating from more than 1,500 reviews that say the charge lasts about 8 hours and that the flexible shaft and loop handle make it even easier for insertion. It’s waterproof, fully rechargeable, and comes with 10 vibration modes for you to explore. Plus, at under $25, the price is right. 

Not all powerful dildos have to vibrate. In this writer’s experience, finding a dildo with the right amount of flexibility and a bulbous tip is often the key for having epic G-spot orgasms. This bestselling Lovehoney brand G-spot dildo is an affordable and size-accessible option, because it hits a seven-inch length maximum and can be bent into all sorts of shapes for your humping and grinding pleasure. As one first-time dildo user writes, “I got this as my first G-spot dildo, and DAMN. I’ve never squirted before but with this I just do.” 

The luxury Swedish sexual wellness brand LELO is a favorite amongst VICE editors for its bougie and high-tech sex toys, and its aptly named Mona 2 vibrator is another excellent option for beginners. It’s almost  eight inches long, and endowed with juuust the right amount of curve for helping you hit your G-spot with its six vibrational settings, including one that is designed to be whisper quiet (a big plus if you have roommates/are living in your parents’ basement). It’s 42% off at Amazon right now, where one five-star reviewer says, “I have had this for over 3 years. That should be a good indication. I use this toy 1-3 times a week, sometimes more.” 

Sure, all of these postmodern Swedish dildos are cool, but you know what rocks sometimes? A big, veiny silicone dick and balls combo. When you search for “realistic dildos” online, you’ll be met with a bounty of both colorful and trompe l’oeil penises, such as this vibrating six-incher that comes with its own remote control for hands-free and/or strap-on use. One Lovehoney reviewer says that while he and his wife have a varied toy drawer, “I can honestly say that I have never seen her cum so hard and intense using anything else.”  

If your heart and your G-spot require more length and girth, this 10-inch vibrating dildo is 50% off at PinkCherry right now, and has a whopping 4.8-star average rating from reviewers who dotingly refer to it as “my rubber man” and the “monster cock.” Another reviewer said that they used it on a business trip (nice) for some hotel hanky panky, writing, “Good heavens did I cum from this. I can’t believe how full and stretched [I] felt.”

Traditional dildos are more oriented towards G-spot stimulation, but rabbit vibrators are designed to help you achieve blended clitoral and G-spot orgasms. This rabbit vibrator from the (surprisingly amazing) Fifty Shades of Grey sex toy line has a 4.6-star average rating from Lovehoney reviewers, and it remains one of my ride-or-die dildos after almost five years of use. It’s so good that it merited an entire VICE review, but suffice to say this 10-incher is a must-have if you want a combo of rumbly, powerful shaft vibrations and gentle, consistent clitoral stimulation. Oh, and when I’m not using it myself, I use it to brace a noisy water pipe in my shitty New York apartment against a wall (it absorbs all of the rattling.) That’s how well-made it is.    

Next up, we have this rabbit vibrator from a luxury brand called Je Joue, a London-based sexual wellness brand that specializes in chic and minimalist toys such as the Fifi rabbit vibe. Toss the compact, four-inch rabbit vibrator into your suitcase the next time you have a vacation/stressful work trip, and enjoy its five vibration speeds and seven patterns. It has high ratings amongst reviewers on the site, but especially for those folks who are looking for a rumbly rabbit vibe with longer ears for more all-encompassing clitoral stimulation. 

If you’re interested in anal toys, make sure the dildos you buy are explicitly labeled for such use. Your sphincters (that’s right; you have two) are powerful, after all, and you don’t want to beam anything up your bum for doctors to find later (they will never believe you “slipped and fell on it.”) Now that we have that disclaimer out of the way, enjoy this stunning anal prober dildo, which looks like it was formed from a dewdrop. Lovehoney reviewers have a lot of praise for the flexible toy, and write that the six-inch, double-ended dildo’s tapered edges are perfect for butt-stuff beginners. As one stan writes, “I wanted something to be used on me and my man, nothing too overwhelming, but still exciting, and this was perfect.” And, at under $15, it’s one of the most affordable dildos on our list. 

Here’s an idea: Order this beaded anal dildo on Amazon in time for the weekend, and get into some Baldur’s Gate 3 wizard roleplay by Friday night. This high-rated, vibrating wand is a winner for Amazon reviewers, who say that it’s the perfect flexible anal dildo for beginners and aficionados alike. As one customer writes, “I think I will throw all my other ones away, because this one is my go-to!”  

Glass sex toys can seem intimidating for newcomers, but trust me: they can be some of the most beautiful, low-maintenance (and high-performance) sex toys in your lineup. That’s because they require no batteries, are compatible with all lubes, and provide a sensuous, weighted feeling in-use that effortlessly stimulates P- and G-spots (which is why so many glass and steel toys are considered squirting machines). This double-ended glass dildo deserves to be on every horny person’s trophy shelf, because it packs one head for anal stimulation and another for vaginal penetration. In the words of one Lovehoney reviewer, “[It’s] the most perfect anal toy. Just having it in my hand is a turn on.”     

Last but not least, we’re dipping our tentacles into the world of fantasy dildos with this cult-fave octopus arm from Lovehoney. I reviewed this dildo for VICE years ago, and it remains one of the most memorable, toe-curling dildos I have used to date thanks to its über-textured, curled shaft (great for hitting the G-spot). Just don’t skimp on the lube, because this alien tentacle is girthy. As another Lovehoney reviewer explains, “I have never found a more impressively sensational dildo. Its curves, bumps and overall weirdness make it more thrilling than the average inanimate play object.”

Enjoy, superstar. Next time, we’re making our very own custom dildos. 

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.