Girls Love Girls #4

Girls Love Girls #4
Dir: Jonni Darkko
Rating: 8
JonniDarkkoxxx.com/Evilangel.com

Let's face it, the lesbian scene in a porno film has been perfected. Much like the classic boy-and-his-dog or the free-the-whale-from-the-ice/aquarium film, it's hard to improve on two women in the throes of passion. And yet director Jonni Darkko found a way. How? Marijuana. In my 40-plus years of watching pornography, I thought I'd seen every manner of female same-sex debauchery: dongs the size of horse cocks, horse cocks the size of whale cocks, coke cans, coke bottles, coke dealers, bowling pins, bowling balls, baskets of golf balls, and every other manner of round or oblong or misshapen object invented by man. But never in all my days have I heard anyone request to have smoke blown up his or her ass or seen the act executed.

The scene stars Heather Starlet and Madison Ivy (who has a Snooki-like quality about her. I know, "Snooki" and "quality" should never be used in the same sentence). It begins with them on a couch sharing a blunt (people still smoke blunts?) and quickly escalates to shotgunning and nudity. Before long, Heather is blowing smoke up Madison's ass (when played in reverse, it looks like Madison shits out smoke. And tells you to kill your parents). It culminates with the two in a shower spraying each other with weed smoke instead of water.

I very much wanted to love the scene for its groundbreaking incorporation of weed, but the problem is, I hate weed. And stoners. I don't care what anyone tells you, there's no such thing as a "functioning stoner." They're all retards. Ever read Retard Times? Fuck, it's brutally painful. That's what the world needs: some baked dipshit with political views. "The government is, like, not cool, man." Fuck off and get a job. Go occupy the back of a garbage truck; there's no shame in that. It's a respectable occupation with benefits.

In my early 20s, I was the first of my friends to realize pot made me an idiot. Sadly, I have many friends inching up on 40 who still haven't figured it out. I know guys who live at home with their parents, milk unemployment, borrow money from their mom for "the chronic" (you'd think if you didn't have a job you'd at least smoke a more affordable caliber of marijuana, for your mom's sake), burn one down at Wall Street, and then cry about how they can't find work. I tell them, "It's impossible to find something that you refuse to look for."

I will tip my hat to Heather and Madison, who have found a way to stay gainfully employed and pay for their own pot. I'd go so far as to say that if weed smoking were reserved exclusively for naked chicks in porn, I probably wouldn't hate it as much. But much like my stoner friends ever getting a job, I don't think that's ever going to happen.

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com and twitter.com/Nieratko. Also, the Skinema show is finally airing here on VICE.com. Check it out.

Previously - This Ain't Dracula XXX