This article originally appeared on VICE US in July 2018.
When I was a kid, I thought that radio towers were places where the musicians went to play their songs live on the air. “I can see how the singer climbs up there,” I told my mom when she pointed one out during a car trip. “But how does the rest of the band fit on it?”
Meanwhile, my younger sister couldn’t understand how passengers on the Titanic froze to death after going overboard. “Like, the ocean is warm,” she said, leaning hard on that last word during a summer vacation at Hilton Head. (I’m not sure that we ever convinced her otherwise.)
Yeah, we were idiots. But this Subway worker’s story about a vegan customer who left the store with her belief system completely shattered made me feel better about imagining that Axl Rose scaled a 500-foot tower every time he sang “Paradise City.”
Gabriel Caulfield-Bohlkin posted on Facebook about leaving a vegan shook… by mentioning that mayonnaise has eggs in it. This all started when the woman came into the store and ordered a Veggie Delight sub, then asked if he could please change his plastic gloves before making her sandwich. She was vegan, she said, and noticed that he’d been putting meat on other customers’ orders.
“I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request,” he wrote. “I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, ‘Can I get some mayo?’”
He thought she was kidding and waited for her to give him a real-life LOL—but she was serious. “You know mayonnaise has eggs in it, right?” he asked. And that’s the exact moment that her life fell apart. “I felt so horrible, she stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girl's world,” he wrote.
As she stood at the counter reeling, he asked if she still wanted the mayo. She did. “[I said] ‘Thank you for coming, have a nice day!” he wrote. “She just looked at me, sighed ‘Yea, I'll try’ and walked out.”
A lot of the commenters on his post have enjoyed this ovo-heavy version of schadenfreude; some have questioned why Subway doesn’t have vegan mayonnaise, while others just replied with a variation of SMDH. “I actually give this woman props for saying to herself, ‘Fuck it all,’ and getting the mayo anyway,” one guy responded. “She knew she was a fraud so decided to just live her lie.”
Now I just want to know what happened the next time she went to Subway. The ocean is warm, guys.