Something is stirring. Can you hear it in the wind, travelling on the crisp autumnal breeze that has finally, mercifully, begun? It's a quiet sound, but a persistent one – tap, tap, tap – and you heard it as you woke up. Were the bones of your flat creaking again? Tap, tap, tap as you got ready for the day, as you got on your bus. Tap, tap, tap. Buy a coffee. Tap, tap, tap.
"Alright what the fuck is that noise?"
You check your phone and it all makes sense. Meghan Markle is pregnant. A new Royal Baby cometh. The audible tapping: well, that's the sound of millions of MailOnline commenters mobilising in the way they only do for a Royal Wedding or Birth. This is a code red.
This morning, the Mail has been in overdrive. There are currently no fewer than seven items about Meghan Markle's womb on the homepage, including a particularly funny one with the headline "Harry and Meghan told Royal Family of pregnancy at Eugenie's star-studded Windsor wedding – as Fergie starts tweeting about big day at the EXACT time news is made public" (if you were Princess Eugenie, wouldn't you be so fuming? I'd be smashing up whatever Harry and Meghan got me as a wedding gift by now).
But to focus solely on Harry and Meghan today would be a mistake: the really important people are those Mail commenters, who surely have taken the day off work in order to refresh the site every five seconds and get in fights with Americans about how the Royal Couple definitely won't call the baby Victoria. Today is for the Mail commenters, for it is an occasion that is as important as if they were to become parents themselves. Here's what they had to say on the matter:
Buzzing. I'm not sure what is actually being said here – it seems to be that Meghan Markle is having a child because of something called the "Meghan Effect" rather than, you know, the act of procreation? – but whatever it is, NatGray86 really, really happy about it. Another royal baby whose entire life we get to pay for! We are truly blessed!
A lot happening here. The euphemism "indoor life" is peak MailOnline, while the comment itself expresses perfectly the binary that the Daily Mail is built on. On one hand, if you're saying "indoor life", you're also definitely calling sex "rumpy pumpy" – but on the other, you've seen news about someone having a baby and instead of going "aw, that's nice" you've gone: "Christ, bet they've been rutting like pigs. PIGS." These people live and breathe this shit, and out of it, they create art.
Is this person..... is this person comparing the Royal Baby to Jesus? I think they are?
IAmRight is the royal version of those lads who pretend not to know who the Kardashians are. This person asks to speak to the manager because the breakfast tea they have ordered is "too weak" and calls Strictly Come Dancing a "farce" on Twitter (31 followers). Putting the location as "Obviously" is Nando's Extra Hot banter, though – fair play.
And finally, it wouldn't be a MailOnline comments round-up without something that references the issue at hand, but then blossoms into something really just massively irrelevant, would it?
This article originally appeared on VICE UK.