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Choose Your Own Adventure: Renting!

Join us on the most hellish journey known to man!

by Joel Golby
14 August 2019, 11:56am

Photo: Jamie Clifton

Renting property is a fun system of oppression the government invented to keep mainly millennials constantly poor and mad.

Here's the scam: you have to send 60 percent of your take-home post-tax pay to either a landlord or a property agent acting on behalf of a landlord, and in exchange you are not allowed to decorate or drill into the walls; you are treated like an idiot every time something very minor breaks and needs replacing; it costs close to a grand to move in and about the same again to move out; you never get your deposit back and are constantly on the knife for unspecified crimes you have supposedly committed – like closing the bathroom door too much, or walking too hard on the carpet – and also the only system of escape (home ownership, the millennial fetish) is cut off to you because of the aforementioned 60 percent of your pay going straight out of your account, meaning you can barely afford a big shop this month, let alone the deposit for a mortgage.

You’ll never get more than a 12-month contract! The terms of renewal are always skewed against you! Before finding a flat, you have to look at ten to 20 places you hate, and quietly pretend you could live there as you’re led on a silent five-minute tour by an exiting tenant wearing shorts! You will never win and the game will not be fun! The gears are built to grind you into mince!

Is it all worth it to live for a year in a box room above a vape shop? We will have to find out!

MOVE IN WITH YOUR UNI BUDDIES

MOVE IN WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

IN A MOMENT OF DESPERATION YOU MOVE IN WITH A STRANGER

SO YOU'VE DECIDED TO MOVE INTO A WAREHOUSE