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Boyle's Brains - Philadelphia’s Sexiest Places to Tell Your Parents They’re Remembering Something Incorrectly

These seven TVs, computer motherboards, and empty Newport packs make a perfect backdrop for informing your mom that you know she thinks you loved 'Full House,' but you’ve honestly never seen it.

by Megan Boyle
Jun 7 2012, 4:00am

This deceptively random gathering of seven TVs, computer motherboards, countless empty Newport packs, and plastic beverage containers labeled “Big Hug” are one of the most notoriously sexy masses of debris in Philadelphia. A team of three men spent nearly seven hours moving two TVs behind the gated lawn, taking turns every few seconds to retreat to a nearby abandoned building for “time alone.” When questioned, none of the men could articulate what they thought was so sexy about moving the TVs or why they wanted to, they were only able to say the need to complete the task was wholly consuming. Despite the long walk from popular Center City restaurant destinations, it’s well worth it to steer your post-appetizer walk with your parents towards this mass of trash, as its diverse variety of conversation-starting objects can provide a convenient change of subject after informing your mom that you know she thinks you loved Full House, but you’ve honestly never seen it.

Pictured here is the third attempt at erecting this Temple University campus building, where most tours of the campus end. By the time tours reach this building, guides run out of things to say, and space is freed for parents and potential students to digress into low-level conversations about misremembered facts of the tour, differing ideas about other schools, and occasionally misconceptions about the student’s intended majors. The telephone pole to the left of the building has crashed into it twice in a repetitive, humping-like motion. The pole was taken down after the second catastrophe, but before it could be placed on the truck that would take it away, it started gingerly and then relentlessly “penetrating” the remaining structure of the building. To avoid further damage, university officials have authorized the pole to be securely fastened in its original spot, and assigned it a 24-hour guard. Guides are instructed to omit this information from tours. An anonymous man runs past this building every day at 4 AM, screaming “ass” at an average rate of 30 “asses” per minute.

“He was just telling me about the time I met his first girlfriend. I guess he got the idea that she’d paid for dinner, ‘cause I guess I apparently asked her to. I’d never ask a woman to pay for dinner. Well, maybe for herself, but certainly not the whole table! Anyway, the dinner he was talking about was with some other girl I only met once. Before I could say anything about it, he just up and vanished right before my eyes,” said the father of the 32-year-old man who reportedly dematerialized after the two had embarked on a carefree exploration of this dangerously sexy trailer. A non-profit Philadelphia public safety group heard of this tragic news and petitioned to build a fence enclosing the area. Kyle Tweedy, co-founder of the organization, remarked in their monthly email newsletter that designing the fence was one of the most fulfilling, erotic experiences of his life.

Sometime before the morning of December 26, 2003, the text “Q&Q Live Poultry Market, We kill live poultry, Instant Request, Instant Slaughter, Free kill & clean, HALAL, We Accept: Debit Card & Food Stamps” mysteriously appeared on the formerly discreetly labeled “Diana’s Sex Shoppe” storefront. Incidentally, end of the year holiday surveys indicate 2003 was the year younger members of Philadelphia families returned the most gifts. Sears alone reported 74 instances of returned pants—mothers who misremembered sizes had gifted every pair. Employees of Diana’s Sex Shoppe seamlessly transitioned into their new duties without question, most don’t remember ever selling sex toys.

This storage facility was declared a “blighting influence” on the buildings surrounding it after six instances of drivers ramming their cars back and forth into units 1-A through 5 until significant damage had been sustained to the rear ends of their cars. No drivers were harmed. In fact, every one of them emerged from their cars unassisted, with dewy complexions and dazed demeanors, feeling “a little hungry.” No one was able to explain what compelled their behavior, though every driver reported recently terminating cell phone conversations with their fathers after reminding them it’s “Best Buy” and “Barnes and Noble,” not “Best Buys” and “Barnes and Nobles.” An anonymous man runs past this storage facility every morning at 5 AM, screaming “ass” at an average rate of 30 “asses” per minute.

At the 1991 O’Toole family reunion, a mild argument about the location details of the 1987 family reunion escalated into an uncontrollable three-day debate, mostly between mothers and daughters. It’s understood that the bizarre energy generated by the conversation caused strangers passing on the street to abandon both social conventions and sexual preferences to form a roiling, traffic-stopping orgy. Police were unable to arrest any members of the O’Toole family, so city officials ordered the construction of these five row houses around the reunion, which may or may not still be happening. These houses have been named “#1 Sexiest Bachelor” by the Philadelphia Review every year but 1994, when Tom Hanks took the title. An anonymous man runs down this block every morning at 6 AM, screaming “ass” at an average rate of 30 “asses” per minute.

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