megan boyle

  • Tao Lin’s Apartment: A Review

    Last October Tao Lin put up a post on Facebook asking if anyone wanted to sublet his studio apartment in Murray Hill while he visited family in Taiwan. I responded and PayPal-ed him the significantly discounted friend rate. I would be staying for...

  • What Cat Food Tastes Like

    The other day I found myself seriously considering two futures: The one where I’d never know what wet cat food tasted like, and the one where I would. In both futures I’d eventually end up dead, but the one where I’d eat cat food seemed more exciting.

  • New Ways to Have Sex

    Let half a stick of butter melt in your mouth. This can take a long time. Try to sit still. It will feel less rewarding if you move even slightly. When the butter feels mostly melted, push your tongue against the harder parts. Make them melt against...

  • The 'Shoplifting from American Apparel' Movie Is a Steaming Pile of Crap

    The 'Shoplifting from American Apparel' movie is the cinematographic equivalent of the Doritos Loco Taco—a total lack of substance covered up with gimmicks to distract the consumer.

  • The Spookiest Things to Do in a Dog Park

    Bring a Ziploc baggie of ground beef instead of a dog. Start to remove its leash. Look tentatively around the park. If someone catches you doing this, direct piercing, relentless eye contact at them while slowly refastening the leash on your beef.

  • Real Pain: Future Dead Friends Tour Live Blog

    Jordan Castro asked if I wanted to go on a four-day reading tour with him, Mallory Whitten, Scott McClanahan, Sam Pink, and Mike Bushnell. I said I did. A reading tour is like a music tour but with writers who know each other from the internet instead...

  • What’s Happening with Nicolas Cage’s Face

    Nicolas Cage likes to lure his victims into a small basement apartment where he pretends to be lonely and appreciative of their company and insists they stay. Once they’ve fallen asleep, he unhinges his jaw and his mouth grows 40 inches in diameter...

  • What I Think About When I Think About My Body

    I didn’t fully believe there was a hole in me until I tried filling it with a tampon before college. Still didn’t quite believe it was there until I had sex the next year. Feel jealous of people who get to have sex with it. Putting something into...

  • The Secret Life of Objects on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown in a 24-Hour Grocery Store

    Only one of these Great Value Happy Drinks does not have an STD.

  • Slapstick Reel of My Life

    A drunk driver rear-ended my mom’s car. It was night and his lights were off. My mom was driving. I heard her yell my name, then the words “control” and “steering wheel.” Something collided with my head and my face felt wet. This is but one highlight...

  • Boyle's Brains - Methods of Escaping Eight New Levels of Hell

    These new levels of Hell are largely self-inflicted, and all stem from being out of Adderall. The cure for escaping "Out of Adderall Hell," incidentally, is writing about being out of Adderall.

  • I Listened to Five CDs from the Five-for-a-Dollar Box at FYE

    I recently spent about 40 minutes digging through the five-for-a-dollar-box at FYE, delighting in the bleakly diverse selection of CDs resting in what would likely become their punchline-y final destination.