Ben Johnson

  • Help! I’ve Been Trolled!

    My heart is blackened, full of rage, and it is pacing, staring out of my rib cage with vengeance-lit eyes like a newly captured tiger. I want blood. Because I read something stupid. Something has to be done.

  • I Might Have Horrible Taste in Music

    Normal human beings don’t do things like investigate the feminist implications of Rihanna just because. Normal human beings hear “Titanium” and either go “oh good” or “change it,” and that decision happens in less than three seconds, and that’s more...

  • Your Scene Is Cashed

    All this work and striving and grief is background to a “thing on the internet that rifled around the world and was forgotten forever in a matter of hours,” which is EVERYTHING FROM NOW ON.

  • On the Good Ship Lollipoop

    Media coverage of the Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph’s recent ill-fated voyage, which ended in sewage-logged ignominy in Mobile, Alabama last week, says a lot about America’s state of mind.

  • The Nationals Are a Real Baseball Team Now, a Homeless Guy Said So

    The Washington Nationals are 100 percent for real. They exist. They are good. How good? Even homeless people in ass-backwards Chicago know about them.

  • The Monopoly-Brand Monopoly Cat Is Coming For Your Eyeballs

    The makers of Monopoly switched out the iron with a cat and it made us have an emotional breakdown. Anyhow, there’s a new piece on the Monopoly board, and it’s a kitty cat. Goodbye, Iron, hello, Kitty Cat. Tell your friends. Tweet to the world. Go nuts...

  • TXTPAL Has My Identity Now

    In what I’m sure is a stupid move, I agreed to join TXTPALS. The idea of it is they set you up with a text-message pen pal, but really they probably just want to sell your cell phone number to whoever wants it. So I’m looking forward to getting text...

  • Why Non-Alcoholic Beer Is the Best Kind

    I haven’t had any alcohol for a year. I’m not sure I can recommend sobriety for everybody, but it did OK things for me. I don’t blame my problems on other people as much. I can finish a higher percentage of the things I start. If I don’t like something...

  • My New Favorite Website on the Internet About the Internet

    There is a Tumblr somebody set up for capturing ignorant Twitter responses to the announcement of this year’s Coachella lineup’s headliner: the Stone Roses. They are professions of ignorance. That is an objective fact. These people don’t know who the...

  • Dear Kelly McClure, My Name Is Penis, I'm Not New Here

    So yesterday I (Kelly McClure) wrote a thing about how guys piss on restroom floors because they don't know how to work their dicks and it made a lot of people upset in some way or another. One random guy wrote me a five paragraph email about it, and...

  • Television’s Last President

    Before we finally give up the ghost on the idea of a group of people being bound together by anything like a “nation,” our collective unconscious is firing its neurons at a decelerating pace. The internet is currently teaching us that our mass culture...

  • So Far Inside We’re Already Dead

    The other night I hosted a comedy show booked last minute from a roaming cell phone in the passenger seat of a 1996 Honda Accord with Maryland plates. The venue was an abandoned Polish bar rumored to have previously been used by human traffickers in an...