Did you know that if you stare really long, and really hard at the Hellish section of Heironymous Bosch’s divine triptyque, you can spot a plastic foot-vagina hybrid sex toy (in layman’s terms: the Vajankle)? And that’s just the heat-cauterized penal tip when it comes to the weirdest sex toys you can buy online. Remember the Bug’s Life fleshlight that sold for $2,000? OFC that thicc caterpillar was kinky; you can’t be that bendy, named Heimlich, and not fulfill some hushed-Pixxxar (Dreamworks? IDC) destiny as a penis sleeve.
We’re not about to tell someone how to get off, as long as everything is consensual and legal and not evil. We’d also like to humbly point out that there’s no way to prove that a fuckable, untethered vulva foot isn’t actually a missing Medieval monster (please see: blemmyaes). No kink-shaming here! Just a good old fashioned roast. Because as much as we love to exorcise our most cringy sexual demons, we also love to entertain them. We will fully slide down the stripper pole, through all nine levels of hell in Lil Nas X’s blood-filled Nikes, until we reach the bubbling swamp of the internet’s craziest sex toys, from light-saber dildos to alien tentacles that will “lay an egg” in you.
What vibrations and clamped heathens await us, in the more ~particular~ corners of mega sex toy retailers like Ella Paradis? What amphibious dildos are chilling in the 1,434 Etsy search results for “tentacle dildo?” Tighten your ball gag, and let’s find out with the weirdest sex toys.
Sooooooo many batshit sex toys are on Amazon, with many hiding behind bunk computer character-formed names like, “Bl ow-J ob Toys Orạl Cūp Underwear Tạịnt Tẹạser Cọọk Rịṇg” that look like they were written by Siri during a K-hole trip. This foot masturbator is one of them. It pays homage to the iconic Vajankle with its own take on foot fucking, choosing to place the vagina on the bottom of the foot. A fun Meyers Briggs game with your friends: Ask them whether or not a plastic foot should have a vagina on the sole, or ankle. Make your life decisions accordingly.
A wine stopper for sperm
This toy is “designed to delay ejaculation, enhance erections and prolong pleasure” by basically corking your peen with its little metal stopper. It’s kinda cool that the whole thing is metal, IMO, because non-plastic sex toys are not porous like silicone toys and (if cleaned properly) less apt to give you an infection, and are easier to clean. So… that's good.
The Shape of Water Dildo
The Oscar for wettest dream goes to: the dildo artisan in Sacramento, California, who has dedicated her craft to imagining what The Shape of Water fish person’s penis looked like. The suction isn’t super solid on this toy, but you’re buying this toy for more than the suction. You’re buying it for the lifestyle.
My Little Pony
Giddy ALL the way up with this rainbow unicorn tail anal plug. “The tail is long enough to to give stimulations elsewhere,” writes one happy customer, “and the fibers are soft enough as not to cause any friction if used to wrap/rub/or caress.”
“Luke, I am your daddy”
Well. Let’s unpack this. Whilst a lightsaber as a sex toy wand—with a perfecly saber-esque shaft—is Chaotic Good, a lightsaber sex toy that has actually turned its saber into a ribbed, green penis is… something?
You’re Dr. Frankenstein
The world of electro-fetish toys is, well, electrifying to say the least. To say the most, you’ll have to get a playful zap from the Stinger wand by Doc Johnson; it creates a tickling (or mildly painful, depending on your tolerance) sensation at the touch of a finger.
This “hoodlum” worm
Twenty-two inches of double penetration. Two-headed dildos are not a deep-cut sex toy, but something about the tapered tip of the smaller end feels especially cursed. Great if you have a vagina, bumhole, and feel like getting dicked down by a nematode.
If you’ve made it this far, you might be tentacle-curious
Not sure how to dip your toes into tentacle fetish stuff? Try diving full-on into another person’s octopus fantasy.
There are some truly weird, and beautiful tentacle-themed sex toys out there, such as this best-selling “squirter” dildo by Yoni Pleasure Palace. In addition to looking cool, the texture adds a little more internal stimulation.
The elephant in the room
Cursed, but one of the only ethical ways to ride an elephant. Shudders.
The cheugy option
But it’s actually… cute? Either way, plant your flag, fellow cheugites. It’s no Minions body pillow, but with its 10 vibration settings and varying speeds, it’ll get the job done.
The cheugier option
Okay, this one isn’t a Minions body pillow either, but it’s just as perfect. Its adjustable strings make it a one-size-fits-all, must-have piece, and a big hit amongst its happy customers. “Great product,” writes one reviewer, “and went down a storm at our Scottish Wedding lol.”
Like stilts for your penis
If your penis needs to wear a disguise to do a jewelry heist, this is a great outfit for the job. While we’re a little sus of anything coming out of the cursed bowels of AliExpress, we are genuinely intrigued by this penis extending sleeve, which adds another few inches of peen that reviewers say is great for partners, and helps delay ejaculation for the sleever-bearer.
The peen-nacle (pinnacle) of sex furniture
Try hard enough, and you can turn just about any piece of furniture, into sex furniture to make your own at-home, horny playground. You can also buy some from this short-list of the best sex wedges, pillows, and more. Or, you can also just buy this veritable Y2K-esque chair with a vibrating dong, and bounce away into the sunset.
Hard boil your dick
(Please don’t.) Eggs are a good source of protein, and we guess they’re also efficient for catching your own… protein? This looks like a run-of-the-mill carton of eggs, but let us be the first to tell you, it isn’t. Each Tenga egg has a hole that’s… ready for you. Lube is provided, because no one likes dry eggs—during sex or at breakfast.
That’s all, freaky folks. If you’ve made it this far… congratulations?
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.