How to Survive Writing a Thesis When Everybody Else Is Enjoying Summer

This article originally appeared on VICE Belgium.

Yes, beer gardens have never looked so inviting, nor beer so fresh. Yes, festivals are here. Yes, that BBQ smell is in the air. And yes, your flatmate is chilling in his underwear, talking to his plants on the balcony. But… 

There’s a big, dark cloud speeding across the blue sky, spoiling your view and destroying the slightest spark of summer joy: the deadline for your thesis, dissertation or [insert relevant project deadline here]. You don't want to work and that's perfectly understandable. Sometimes, though, you have to go through a storm before you can enjoy the sun. Or, as a friend of mine puts it: “Don't wriggle your ass if you’re trying to shit straight.”

Believe me, you can do it. All you have to do is push really hard, and read these tips.

It’s a fact: Writing a thesis will never be as easy as it is today. Between 20 and 25, your brain can - in theory - quickly switch from LOL mode to absorb and process information like an intellectual machine. According to this 2014 study, our brain reaches its maximum cognitive potential at 24. Ask the 30-somethings who take evening classes or the parents pulling their hair out over their kids’ maths homework: As the years go by, everything falls off a cliff (including your body, FYI). So count yourself lucky you're at the top of your game. Need proof? Remember how when you’re drunk, you turn into an improvised polyglot who can speak passable German or French? This is a 20-something skill. Give it a few years and you'll just go red and stupid. 

I know your prof has been bugging you about this dissertation since the start of the year, but let’s be honest, they get paid to do this. The truth is, your thesis doesn’t deserve the fuss. It won't end up framed in your parents' home or on your bedside table. You won't even use it to stabilise your IKEA bookshelf or make a fire as energy prices spiral out of control. The massive text you're about to produce won't change your life, let alone the world. In fact, from the second you leave uni, it will no longer exist. Not for you, or anyone else. Ta-da!

No need to go on a monastic retreat: Your parents’ house will do just fine. OK, the wifi is shit, you’ll have to sleep in a single bed and put up with your dad’s bad TV choices. But have you thought about the service only parents can provide? The 4PM snack, folded (and ironed!) laundry, fresh bedsheets. If you don’t have to think about all the logistics, you can better focus on your goal (pounding out some 10,000 word essay on postmodern literature).

If your family hates you (or vice versa) or you don’t have parents, there's always the library. I've heard that being surrounded by AirPod zombies is a real boost for some people – assuming you're strong-willed enough to stay focused in among a bunch of bored, hormonally-charged students in a place where flirting always seems to involve fluorescent highlighter pens. 

Not in the way you think. It's inevitable: We tend to compare ourselves to others. You know this better than anyone, as you spend your time wondering why that that random schoolfriend turned Instagram baddie has 65,000 followers and you don't (deeply unfair). 

Maybe start discreetly approaching the classmate no one believes in: Every two or three days, ask them how they’re doing with their thesis - it’ll make you feel better. If you notice that you’re suddenly making a lot of new friends, this is not be a distraction and not a good sign.

You have all types of people: Those who don’t eat pizza crusts, cat people, mouth-breathers who sleep on their stomach, freaks who drink milk. Then you have morning birds and night owls. Listen to your inner bird. Choose a time slot that works for you, and try to stick to it. If it's between 1AM and 3AM, that's fine. 

There will always be people telling you they've been working six hours a day since February. Don't listen to them, they're either lying or out of their minds. Most of your thesis probably will be written in a hurry, so embrace your procrastination while you can. The final all-nighter will make a good story to tell your kids. And it'll add a little punk flavour to your success. Because yes, you will succeed (see below).

Deactivate your accounts, turn off the internet, put your evil smartphone in another room... In short, limit scrolling on Discord or posting stories of yourself working in a cry for help. One, none cares. Two, getting likes on a photo of a laptop, vitamin smoothies and coloured Post-Its arranged in a flat lay isn't going to help you. (Unless it’s sponsored – in that case, drop your degree and start a career as an influencer. You'll make more money than at most first jobs.)

Get some fresh air, do sports, sleep, drink water, eat well... These are all obvious tips. That said, no need to turn into Bryan Johnson. Stuffing yourself with five kilos of salmon won’t instantly boost your brain with omega 3s. Changing yourself from the inside out is a long process, which you definitely should have thought about earlier. 

Those food supplements people try to sell you? They're just bullshit in blister packs. If you like junk food, have a double cheeseburger as a reward once you've finished the first chapter. If you need a boost, go for caffeine, seasonal fruit, masturbation, microdosing, or even Ritalin, if that works for you. To each their own.

This is probably my most valuable piece of advice. We all know this, but often tend forget it: Put a reminder to back up your files on your phone. Do it. Right now. Although I don't remember anything about my thesis, I do remember being in tears in front of a laptop that wouldn’t turn on, then being in tears again in front of a PC guy whose only comment was: “You’ve lost everything, but I guess you have a back-up.” You always think this stuff only happens to others. It doesn't.

Abandon all pride. This is the person who will defend you when your work is being assessed. Your future is in their hands. Be nice, pretend you’re interested, give them weekly updates, take their advice, flatter them. It's good practice for the professional life ahead of you, which will almost inevitably involve blowing more smoke up the ass of someone more important than you.

Someone out there has already thought about your subject and come up with some pretty good ideas. Why not simply use them and change the form? It's a lot less obvious than the so-called magic of ChatGPT. Use synonyms, translate documents written in other languages in your own words and remember to quote your sources so you don’t get called out for plagiarism.

That's it, you're done. OK, maybe the content isn't great, so focus on the form. Ask your grammar freak grandpa to proofread it, find a strong title, use sufficient line spacing, a nice font, a beautiful table of contents and perfect bibliography. And have it printed on nice paper and bound. We live in a superficial society; the academic world is no exception.

If you don't believe in yourself from the very start, it will be hard. I don't know anyone in my year who didn’t pass their thesis. Your uni's greatest wish is that you get the fuck out. After three, five or more years of dragging your ass around their mouldy classrooms, they've had enough of you. They need fresh meat. You'll make it, because deep down, that's all they want.

Feeling lazy or uninspired? Got a tennis elbow or better things to do? Give yourself the luxury of time and postpone your thesis to next year. 

The people around you will consider you as an intellectual, you’ll still get student discounts everywhere and you won’t have to go to class. You’ll be just one step away from your future meaningless, depressing and merciless professional life: your thesis. Are you sure you want to take it?