My Boyfriend Is Saying Increasingly Misogynistic Things. What Do I Do?

This article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today we’re hoping to help someone whose partner is slowly descending into a misogynistic rabbit hole.

Hi VICE,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, and until recently, I felt like our relationship was perfect. I am very attracted to him: He is confident, well-groomed and has his life in order. We have a lot of mutual friends and enjoy eating out, clubbing and going on nice trips, but in some aspects, we are very different from each other. 

Our first in-depth conversation turned into a bizarre discussion about Kim Kardashian. Although he follows her on Instagram, he thinks it's “fucked up she makes money with her body”. To him, this is proof that women have it easier in life. Of course, I strongly disagreed with that statement, and he replied, “How nice of you to be so defensive,” adding I still had a lot to learn about the world. 

I thought his views would become more nuanced over time, and for a while, that seemed to be the case. But sometimes, he still says really misogynistic things, especially when we're out with his male friends and there’s alcohol involved. 

I often get the feeling he’s saying things just to piss me off, because he likes having heated discussions. I’m actually into that too, so at times, it feels like we’re playing a game. In recent months, however, he seems to be getting more and more into it.

For example, he listens to Andrew Tate’s podcast. Sometimes, he even plays it at dinner because I “really need to listen to what Andrew says”. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. He’s now starting to say that some women are gold diggers who sometimes "ask for a beating". To him, men liking much younger women is just “natural selection”. Recently, he’s been saying that me talking about my career is “unattractive”. We don't live together yet, and he's started texting me to check what I'm up to.

It is not all misery: There are also very beautiful moments in our lives. I’ve noticed he mostly says these things when he's feeling down. The problem is, he hasn't been feeling well at all lately, but he refuses to get help.

I'm not sure what to do. I am still very much in love with him, and because of that, I feel I could help him. At the same time, I find the way he talks about women downright repulsive. I don't even dare to talk about it with my friends, because they would never want to have anything to do with him again.

Will he snap out of it? Or are we just too fundamentally different to be together?

Thanks,

M.

Dear M.,

Unfortunately, Andrew Tate appeals to a lot more people than you’d think. Before he was banned from most social media platforms back in August, he had 4.6 million Instagram followers, 744,000 YouTube subscribers and TikTok videos with the hashtag #AndrewTate had amassed billions of views. It would be naive to think that only losers listen to him – many of his followers are perfectly well-adjusted people with important relationships with women in their lives.

A 2020 survey conducted by the British advocacy group HOPE not hate found that half of the 2,076 young men interviewed agreed with the statement “feminism has gone too far and makes it harder for men to succeed”.

In a recent Reddit post, a user shared a story similar to yours. The community’s response was pretty black and white – “Dump his ass!” most comments said. But of course, things aren’t always that simple. You clearly have a lot of love for your boyfriend, but in a way, his views on women’s inferiority apply to you too.

“Society is changing,” says Sarah Bracke, professor of sociology and gender at the University of Amsterdam, in a previous interview with VICE. “Feminism and LGBTQ+ rights have made significant progress, and trans people are also becoming more and more visible. And yes, that means that traditional masculinity is under attack.”

As a result of these challenges, many men find themselves in a bit of an existential crisis. “Giving up privilege or status is rarely easy,” Bracke continues. “You might feel angry, like a failure, or like there are no longer opportunities for men like you.”

Anti-feminist influencers like Andrew Tate have managed to capitalise on these anxieties to gain a big following. Instead of promoting the internal work it takes to overcome them, they’ve re-directed these feelings towards a common enemy: women.

“In my consultation room, I see many men who no longer know what their role in society is,” says relationship therapist Joey Steur, who’s based in Amsterdam. These insecurities are also reflected in the patient’s relationships, as they often struggle to understand what they have to offer to their partners in a world where the conventional divisions of labour don’t apply.

“As a therapist, I want to validate those feelings,” Steur explains. “I say, ‘you are not alone in feeling this, it’s OK to talk about it.’”

Part of a therapist's role is precisely to dissect someone’s ideology, layer by layer. The process leads a patient to gain insight into their own behaviour and emotions, which is essential before they and their partner can try to meet halfway. That’s why Steur thinks that couples therapy would be the optimal solution to your relationship problems.

But, as you say, your partner doesn’t seem to be ready for that, so is there anything you can do yourself? “Your partner seems to be stuck in his train of thought,” Steur says. “He says things that affect you, and you respond in a certain way.”

This constant state of friction means you’re emotionally drifting apart from each other. “But you write that you still feel love for him and that you want to make an effort to understand him,” Steur adds. “From that feeling, there’s room to grow closer towards each other.”

Something you could try to do is look at the issues he’s talking about from a distance. It’s normal that his negative views about your career or violence against women feel very personal to you, because they speak about your own experiences as well. But Steur thinks reacting emotionally to his provocations only feeds into this toxic dynamic. “Many couples get defensive very quickly during this kind of conflict,” she said. “This makes the conversation hostile and prevents you from getting to the heart of the problem.”

Instead, the best approach is trying to create a safe space for him to talk about the insecurities behind his ideas without fearing judgement, as difficult as that may be. “It can help if, in a quiet moment when there is no conflict, you ask him why he says things like that,” she says. “Ask him how his ideas have formed, and whether he discusses them with his friends, for example.” To protect yourself during these delicate interactions, Steur says you should remember his way of thinking has a lot more to do with him than with you.

In the best case scenario, your partner will find it within himself to slowly start to understand the emotional causes of his thinking and work on them ​​bit by bit. “When he gets to that point, he can find his way back to you,” she says. “And then you’ll be able to tell him how you’re affected by what he says.”

But of course, it’s also possible that he won’t open up or be comfortable with any emotional vulnerability. Eventually, you’ll have to really be honest with yourself about your feelings and what is acceptable to you. It’s normal for partners to disagree, even on important matters, such as how to raise children or deal with money. Steur does note, however, that some differences can be over ‘core issues’, things that feel “so essential to you that you are unable to compromise on [them].”

It’s important for you to know what those core issues are and not to be afraid to draw a line. Yes, there is a chance that you won’t be able to work things out, and that it’s better to let each other go. "You will have done your best,” Steur says, “and that’s really all that you can do.”