After this tragic rollercoaster of a general election, whomst among us doesn't deserve a little tipple? A frosty one to help us unwind. A wet one to loosen us up and help us shoot the shit. Eight hundred pints to knock the nerves out of us so we can sit back and mourn.
Most of us tend to avoid getting too into politics after work, but unfortunately, as it's the day after a general election, you are destined to get into this chat. It's an inevitability. Even if you try to avoid it, you will fail. One glass of wine and you'll be sharing your theories on BBC bias and voter suppression. Lock yourself in!
"THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS"
You're sitting in the pub, looking around at your fellow drinkers. Who was it? Was it you... man with a £7 IPA? That seems reasonably Tory. Or maybe it's more Lib Dem? You scowl through a sip of lager, silently fuming, trying not to glare at the man you have – with no evidence – decided has thrown the country under a Conservative majority.
Two hours later and four pints in, your mates have to talk you down from trying to start a fight.
What it says on the tin. Will surface intermittently throughout the night.
"I'M GOING TO ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO STUFF NOW. LIKE, GOOD STUFF"
This is a similar conversation to the one you have with yourself every January about "not getting fried chicken twice a week", but more ethics-based. A rallying cry to change society for the better, in spite of the fucking awful government. You and your friends agree to start looking for charities to volunteer with and everyone signs up right there in the pub to give £10 a month to the Trussell Trust. One guy makes a pact to quit advertising to do something that helps create more good in society: "I just don't know how much longer I can write social copy for German fast fashion brands, you know?" he says, wistfully.
Of course. You all know.
THE BLAME GAME
Was it Corbyn's fault for not being likeable enough? Was it antisemitism in the party? Did the Lib Dems ruin it for everyone? Was it the media? This will probably be the most heated topic of the Friday pub chat, where – instead of bonding over the shared disappointment – the anger starts to bubble up.
"Just calm down, mate, we're all on the same side here," someone will say, stoking the flames. Depending on how many pints have been sunk, this conversation may result in a storming off. A nice, adult storming off.
"I just…" you trail off, too upset to continue. "Where did we... I..."
Why chat? Everything's fucked.
SOMEONE WILL TRY TO CHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS