chris gethard

  • Bedbugs Made Me a Real New Yorker

    There are certain fundamental things that scream “I just moved to New York.” Things like eating cheesecake at Junior’s or heading out to Coney Island to ride the Cyclone. Or getting fucking bedbugs.

  • The Least Aggressive Fight in New York City

    I do not like confrontations in New York City. That being said, the fight I got in about a month ago is a fight I’d get in every day of my life if I could. I’ve been complimented and walked away feeling worse about myself than I did after this fight.

  • Encounters with Cops in New York City

    My routine was smashed when a cop car careened over the curb, onto the sidewalk, and straight at me. The car screeched to a halt and turned a spotlight on me. I threw my back against the front window of the El Sitio Cuban restaurant and instinctively...

  • Success Sucks

    Young dudes have a fantasy that someday they might get famous, and if they do they’ll have all sorts of money and get tons of tail. As someone who once flirted with fame, I want to let all of you young men know that it’s completely true. Except you...

  • My Greatest Regret Is Not Making Out with a 500-Pound Woman on a Shitty Talk Show

    My biggest regret, the one that haunts me to this day, the one I think about more than any other, the one that sends me into cold sweats is, “What if I had agreed to appear on that sleazy talk show pretending I dated a 45-year-old 500-pound woman back...

  • The Strongest Dwarf in New Jersey

    When I was a toddler in New Jersey, my only playmate was the seven-year-old dwarf who lived next door. And although I don't blame him for anything, that dwarf came to physically torment me to the point of bruises and diapers full of sand.

  • Why I Love My Meds

    As someone who goes into a month-long manic tailspin every few years, as well as more frequent batshit-crazy days-long episodes of depression every few months, I know I need my pills. I take medications every morning and night—they’re my breakfast and...

  • Why I Quit Drinking

    I quit drinking in 2002, mere months before my college graduation. As you can imagine, quitting drinking before the window when it’s socially acceptable to be drunk all the time had closed was due to some pretty specific incidents and behaviors that I...

  • Losing It on Alan Rickman’s Roof

    I can’t fathom any reason why she would have made out with me besides pity. I’m not exactly Don Draper when it comes to physical attractiveness. I don’t think I’m ugly, per se, but on bad days I have been told that I look like the monster from 'The...