• Things I Have Fished Out of People's Butts

    Bedposts, doorknobs, mayonnaise jars, candles, a small pistol, a grocery and newspaper combo, a 12-inch long and 8-inch wide salami, tennis balls, an aluminum tube, axe handles, soldering irons, and a frozen pig's tail to name a few.

  • Fat Chance

    Worst of all, your chances of getting laid are not only reduced by looking like shit, but it would be quite a feat to get your 40-inch wide leg over, when your dick has long since been engulfed. Get fat, and your own body mass swallows your penis and...

  • What I Know About Death

    I haven’t cried for a patient in over five years. I worry I’ve become a cold-hearted bitch who makes small children scream, jabs old ladies with needles, and remains unfazed in the face of relentless suffering.

  • The Voices in My Head Are Telling Me to Bathe in Shit

    A 30-year-old woman came into ER last week covered from head to toe in her own shit. She was very attached to it. Every time we tried to wipe any of it away she would flail and scream, agonized.

  • How to Drink Until Your Ass Bleeds

    He drank so much he had scoured the inside of his stomach raw with ulcers, which were bleeding out so quickly it ran straight through the 6.5m of his gut, mixed with shit and leaked all over the street.

  • What Not to Do for an Erection

    The wince-making shame of trying to push an increasingly flaccid penis into an ever more impatient pussy is undeniable. But the valiant lengths men go to in desperation can have painful consequences.