• Corporate-Run Hospitals Could Be the Death of You

    Sometimes, making a margin is at odds with treatment. And yet, the number of US medical centers that are investor owned has risen steadily since 2006. When monied interests jump in the mix, you often see things like staff getting laid off and a rise in...

  • People Are Awful at Suicide

    In general, failing at death is worse than failing at life. If you shoot yourself through the head at the wrong angle you end up retarded. Jump from one floor too low and you're paralyzed for life. One mouthful short of bleach and you’ll have to wait...

  • Things I Have Fished Out of People's Butts

    Bedposts, doorknobs, mayonnaise jars, candles, a small pistol, a grocery and newspaper combo, a 12-inch long and 8-inch wide salami, tennis balls, an aluminum tube, axe handles, soldering irons, and a frozen pig's tail to name a few.

  • Fat Chance

    Worst of all, your chances of getting laid are not only reduced by looking like shit, but it would be quite a feat to get your 40-inch wide leg over, when your dick has long since been engulfed. Get fat, and your own body mass swallows your penis and...

  • How to Drink Until Your Ass Bleeds

    He drank so much he had scoured the inside of his stomach raw with ulcers, which were bleeding out so quickly it ran straight through the 6.5m of his gut, mixed with shit and leaked all over the street.

  • What Not to Do for an Erection

    The wince-making shame of trying to push an increasingly flaccid penis into an ever more impatient pussy is undeniable. But the valiant lengths men go to in desperation can have painful consequences.

  • This Housewife Got a Slug Stuck in Her Vagina

    People are perverts set on finding new ways of fucking themselves up, usually in the misguided pursuit of pleasure. And there is very little I can do as a doctor to stop them.