Prancehall

I was walking down the street the other day when I had an epiphany. I turned to my reflection in a nearby shop window and said, “Hey, you know what? There’s more to the world than just UrBaN Mu$iC in that Do It! column.” In celebration of this sign from heaven, I am now going to be using this precious space in Vice to also write about lots of other interesting things, like animals, people and popular culture, with some side-splittingly hilarious anecdotes thrown in for good measure. It’s funny I should mention animals just then because that is exactly what this month’s column is all about. Take it away, me.

OK, here me go.

I often think the world would be a better place without humans. Say, if we were all cats. I mean, what’s not to like about cats? They are cunning, they can scale walls, they can catch mice, they can quite contentedly clean their bum with their tongue and they bury their own shit. Who wouldn’t want all of those skills? I sometimes try to imagine a life where I get to dine on Sheba every day, spend 12 hours day staring out of the window at a skip while sat on a freshly plumped pillow, before rolling around in a litter tray for a bit of fun. You may say I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one.

Seriously though, I do have a point. Animals are great. They are like little funny-looking stupid people that can’t talk but who often do smart and sometimes incredible things. They also don’t let stuff bother them, they’re loyal, they don’t talk shit, they’re good listeners, they’re not judgemental and they lead pretty relaxed lives. My cat sometimes breaks wind, but hey, nobody’s perfect. I think if we all took example from our favorite animals, life in general would be way more fun.

To prove how delightful they are, here is a selection of some amazing and inspiring animals who have appeared throughout history.

 

KOKO
INCITATUS
HERCULES
World of Sport Octopussy SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT
WHEELY WILLY
Training Day BLONDI

Honourable mentions: Badger the badger from Bodger and Badger who loved mashed potato; Dolly the sheep who was the first animal to be cloned from an adult cell; Eeyore the donkey from Winnie the Pooh who could read, spell and write poetry; Laika the Russian dog who was the first animal in space.