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choose your own adventure

Guys, Let's Start an Email Chain!

by Joel Golby
14 August 2019, 11:49am

Photo: Jamie Clifton

Ding–dong! Emailerino. Seven of the lads – Jocksy, The Radginator, Barley Joe, Alex 1, Alex 2, Charlie Lemons and Alex 5 – are all up for moving in together. Alex 5 says he's heard of "Clapham", and that sounds good, so it's simple-dimples: fire up Zoopla, find a seven-bedroom house on Clapham Common, send the Facebook invites out for the house party, throw rager after rager until you die or hit 30.

Oh, only Alex 5's dad forgot he had a spare flat in Kensington so he's going to move in there with Jocksy and Barley Joe. The Radginator's just signed a nine-month contract at that call centre he's working in, so won't be leaving Blackburn any time soon. Now there's room, Alex 1's moving his girlfriend in and she's bringing a couple of friends – Hatty and Harry, who are different but both look and smell the same – and they said they'll take a double room.

One of the H-ones has a strange tall boyfriend with a lurking uneven energy and a groundswell of family money, so he's coming in too, and also for some reason – you can't actually quite figure out who owns them – two rabbits now live in the living room.

Okay. Whatever. This is fine! The lads still have the WhatsApp group! The Radginator lives on forever!

CHOOSE WHICH ONE OF YOUR HOUSEMATES YOU'RE GOING TO HATE:

GUY TEACHING HIMSELF TO DJ!

THE ONE WHO GOES TORY AS SOON AS THEY GET A £50K SALARY!

THE HARDEST PARTIER!

GIRL WHO KEEPS LEAVING SHIT OUT AND, WHEN MILDLY CONFRONTED ABOUT IT, CRUMPLES AND CRIES!

THE ONE WHO LIKES COOKING NOW!

THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE CUPCAKE BAKER!

THE MANIAC!