Photo: Jamie Clifton
"Hey man, did someone take my chicken out of the sink? I left a chicken carcass in the sink in a colander so all the blood drained out into the sink. The only food I have in my cupboard in the kitchen is a single packet of Tesco Basics spaghetti, so I don't really know what I was planning to serve the chicken with. But the chicken has gone. Can you guys stop moving my stuff?"Those pissed-in shoes I found in the street and bought home and put on the kitchen table and just left there got put in the bin, and I was going to clean those up and eBay them. My large stack of local newspapers that had been read but folded back so inelegantly they sort of blistered and ruffled up into an uneven pile got moved, too. Not even going to start the chat about my plank with three nails in it."I haven't slept or eaten in three days and I was going to cook and eat that chicken today and now it's gone! When you come home later I'm going to be doing something very mad with my back turned in the garden! My only mate is going to sleep on our sofa for three weeks and nobody is going to say shit about it to me! Real! Chance! That! I! Jizzed! In! Your! Shower! Gel!"TIME TO CALL A FLAT MEETINGTIME FOR SOME "FLATMATE DRINKS"!TIME TO… HAVE SEX WITH THIS FLATMATE?