Indian Tabloids are Extremely Nice

I just got to India less than an hour ago, so so far all I’ve learned about their culture is through the newspapers at the airport and that if you ask for a whiskey and ginger ale on Air India they’ll give you two full glasses of Johnnie Walker with a 4oz can of Schweppes. Um, I just downed a full bar of xanax like 20 minutes ago, are you trying to make me open the emergency exit mid-flight?

The papers have taught me a little bit about how pissed off people are about having to mark their caste on this year’s census and how some guy in Parliament is being arrested for rape, but mostly what I’ve gleaned is that India’s celebrity coverage puts America’s to shame. I mean actual shame. Maybe I just haven’t dug deep enough to find the Indian Star, but get a load of how unsettlingly pleasant all these Page-Six stories are. It’s like when Rod and Todd had their own printing press.

They even had something nice to say about Kelly Osbourne. Unless “making sweet muffins” is arcane Indian slang for something vaginal.

Oh yeah, the papers also taught me that the Mumbai shooter who just got found guilty was a giant teenager who’s impervious to explosions and has one of the wrinkliest necks in the world.

More soon maybe.