Jamie Taete’s Internet Landfill

GWYNETH PALTROW DOESN’T SEEM TOO CONCERNED WITH MAKING PEOPLE LIKE HER

I know this is old news, but I only just saw it. Because it was on Glee. Which, for me, means it may as well have been broadcast on a local Colombian Christian news network (at 4am on a school night).

The whole thing is pretty shockingly awful (like, “how the fuck was this shown on prime-time television?” awful), but here are the worst parts:

• – Gwyneth’s little “Rachel from Friends” Halloween costume.
• – That the “fuck you” of the chorus has been changed to “forget you”. I’m pretty sure “fuck” and “forget” don’t mean the same thing.
• – That we’re meant to believe Cee Lo Green is something cool the kids think a square like Gwyneth wouldn’t have heard of in an age where my mum’s ringtone is “Crazy“.
• – “TOP 40 sweet cheeks. HIT IT!” – Clever pun, huh? Oh wait, it doesn’t mean anything. NM.
• – Gwyn’s gross “BWOADWAAAAY” pronunciation of words.
• – The unbelievably subtle acting of the brown haired girl in the navy jumper. I’m not sure if you picked up on this (it was almost too subtle) but she doesn’t approve of what Gwyneth is doing.
• – The guy with the mohawk’s rape-stare.
• – “Yeah, go home and tell your little girlfriend!”
• – That not a single student at this school is under the age of 25.
• – 28 seconds in, where it looks like she pulls a tambourine out of her vagina.
• – Gratuitous instances of “the robot”.
• – How closely her voice resembles T-Pain.
• – The killing of four minority birds with two human stones (the fat AND black girl/the disabled AND ugly boy).
• – “Lets go get some tacos!!!!”

THE NEW HALLE BERRY MOVIE WILL BE THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIMES

For the first minute or so, this looks like nothing. Just your standard, slightly crappy, Oscar-buzzy Halle Berry melodrama. Meh. But then at 1:07, what’s that? OHMYGOD THIS FILM IS ABOUT HALLE BERRY HAVING A DEEPLY RACIST SOUTHERN WHITE WOMAN TRAPPED INSIDE HER BODY. AND IT’S SUPER SERIOUS. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. Great accent though.

THE WORD “DRIP” CAN MAKE YOU FEEL MORE UNCOMFORTABLE THAN YOU THOUGHT POSSIBLE

Last Tuesday, at 4:20pm (geddit? WEED!!!!) Snoop “The Samuel L. Jackson of rap” Dogg released his new song “Wet” which is, according to Snoop, “the perfect anthem for Prince William or any playa to get the club smokin’” (Can you believe a 40 year-old millionaire speaks like that? EUGH).

I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and say that this song isn’t really about the Royal Wedding at all and Snoop is just using that to desperately try and claw his way back into the public eye. Surely he must have another song on that album that would be more appropriate for “playas” to get the club “smokin” to on their stag night though? This doesn’t sound like the kind of stag party I’d want to go to at all. It sounds kinda like this erotic thriller I saw on TV really late at night where a bunch of rich guys accidentally kill a hooker during a stag party (on second thoughts, this is probably the perfect soundtrack for a royal stag night).

Does anyone reading this know what that movie is called? I kinda wanna watch it again. It’s not the one with Cameron Diaz and Christian Slater, it was a lot more serious and sexy than that. Anyone?