Vice Los Angeles, CA Hi there David Cotner, how are you? Would you give us permission to print the letter that you wrote to us? It is a very… interesting letter! Please let me know, thanks!
Amy, Managing Editor, Vice Vice Heavy Metal Hi David,
Yes, I have your CD and if you give us permission to print this, I will give you a glowing review in our reviews section. Deal? Naw, I’ll give it a good review anyway. But let me know… Hiya David,
Great! So, like, you’ve never ever come with another person even in close proximity? How old were you when you discovered this? I’m not making fun, it’s just fascinating. We all have weird sex things, right? Dear David,
What about not intercourse, but just jerking off with another person there? Did you ever try to pretend that the other person wasn’t there? What if you were in a closet peeping on someone but she knew you were there? Or what if you had sex with someone and then ran into the next room and finished yourself off alone? ménage à un Dear David,
But you can still get a boner and have “intercourse,” right? So can you just go on forever, or what eventually happens?

PS: Do you ever tell girls about this as a pickup line? Because it makes it, like, a challenge, you know? I bet girls love that! Ew. OK, now I can’t tell if you’re actually troubled by this condition or showing off! I guess I got this picture in my head of you as a sad, tortured soul—and I liked that. But apparently this doesn’t seem to have hindered your “dominant nature” or sex life much! Is it true? Are you just like all the others? And are you insinuating you got a big one? Oh geesh, now you’re being a show-off. David Cotner,
You have revealed so much, yet so little. You remain an enigma. An enigma with a dysfunctional peen and a trumpet made out of the thighbone of a dead man. You’re creepy and I have a slight crush on you.

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