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STAR WARS, GENERAL GRIEVOUS VS. STAR WARS, VINTAGE

Mikael: General Grievous is better because he can split his arms so he has four instead of two and he has four light sabres. He is also the general of an army. His only weak points are that he is slow, and his heart is in his stomach, which you can open. The alien is just like a normal person except he is from a different planet. He doesn’t look like he has superpowers.

Christopher: Yeah, the general would win. He can climb on stuff too. Not that good, but he can climb, not walk, on walls or stuff, but not like Spider-Man. His kicks really hurt too. They hurt a lot. The other guy only has lasers and all he can do is just shoot stuff.

Christopher’s big sister Emma enters the room.

Emma: Are you talking about Star Wars? They win when they kill the leader of the opposite army.



SPAWN, CLASSIC ACTION FIGURE FROM SPAWN 110 VS. DAFT PUNK—MEDICOM REAL ACTION HEROES 12” COLLECTOR’S ITEMS

Mikael: Spawn looks like a clown, or like The Joker from Batman, except with a hat.

Emma: He can also disappear.

Christopher: Yeah! He hides in his hat and then just… POW!

Emma: I think that the robot would win, because he is the strongest. On the back of the box he looks like he can spin his head, or his whole body. He can also shoot out his hands because he has an extra pair, and he can jump really far with the gold shoes he has on. Since he is made out of metal he would just get dented if you tried to hit him or something. It also looks more like a collectors toy. The club that Spawn has looks like a club that trolls usually have, he could hit people and what not, except it is made out of bones that he has sharpened. I think he looks like that guy from Spider-Man… Venom! And he probably has a long tongue and laser eyes.

Mikael: I think the robot would get beat up big time. Spawn can shoot stuff and hit people with his club. The skulls on his jacket can be used as throwing stars and he looks like he is the leader of some mafia. Spawn is more of a collector’s toy and I think that the Daft Punk robot looks regular and boring. He can jump really far because it looks like he has a jetpack.

Christopher: You can’t beat Spawn. He kicks Zorro in the wiener and pees on him. And he hides and goes behind people and shoots them.

At this point Christopher goes silent because he falls so deeply in love with Spawn the second we take him out of the box it leaves him speechless. After Spawn is out of the box, whenever I ask him about anything else he won’t even answer because he is drooling his brains out over Spawn. He is pretty much mesmerized mute for the rest of the tests. And later he goes crazy when we take Spawn away.



BRATZ BABYZ MEYGAN—BABY GIRLS WITH A PASSION FOR FASHION™ VS. BARBIE

Emma: Bratz would win and squirt milk all over the place and in Barbie’s face, and if the baby didn’t have a diaper it could pee on Barbie. The Baby Bratz can also take off her pigtails and whip Barbie. Bratz are more fun because you can change their legs and arms and stuff, but it’s weird that they have makeup on even when they are babies. They probably use makeup to hide that they don’t have boobs like Barbie does.

Mikael: Barbie would win because she could spank the baby and ground it. I am not really into these toys



ARMY GUYS VS. FISTFULL OF POWER

Emma: Army Guys are boring and stuff, they can’t do that much and they look the same, Fistfull of Power are more fun because it’s easier to come up with stuff and easier to use my imagination with them, and they can do magic and stuff like that. Army Guys can shoot, but I don’t know, they are more classic. I think that the Fistfull guys are stronger because they can use magic and have hidden super powers. Army Guys don’t have any super powers because they are just normal people that are in the army. That’s kind of boring.

Mikael: I think the Army Guys would win over Fistfull of Power because the army has way more guns. But they aren’t as cool as Fistfull of Power though. The Army Guys all look the same, and don’t really have any special powers or anything.



GAME & WATCH PARACHUTES VS. PSP WHITE

Emma: The Game & Watch was really simple to understand, but the game was too easy. All you do is catch a guy on that thing. The PSP is like a super cool Gameboy! It looks really good and it’s comfortable to hold too. It also matches the computer. And I think the PSP can take pictures and film.

At this point we lose Emma too. She refuses to stop playing and decides this is what she wants for Christmas.

Mikael: I couldn’t get the PSP to work, it didn’t seem to have any games on it and it was kind of confusing. The Game & Watch was fun and really easy to understand, but it got boring pretty fast, and the PSP looks really cool.

PATRICK CROTTY