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The The West is the Best Issue

Kill The Foxes

The urban fox - an altogether tougher, more resilient beast than its gay, rabbit-chasing country dwelling cousin.
Κείμενο Dominic Allen

Photo by Jamie-James Medina.

British animal rights groups and rich people are always in a tizzy about country foxes, but it’s their tough urban cousins, the city foxes, that are actually causing all the fuss. Hardened by a life where food is found by going through supermarket rubbish bins and domestic waste units, the urban fox is an altogether tougher, more resilient beast than the gay, rabbit-chasing country dweller. They’re more vicious, often prone to attacking family pets and molesting small children but, worst of all, they are more disease ridden than a hundred rats. The foul-smelling excrement they leave all over housing estates is dangerous as hell and even their saliva carries e-coli and meningitis. Oh yeah, and they have skunk-like anus glands which makes their piss smell like sick and can cause blindness. Over the last five years, the estimated number of urban foxes (and their associated problems) has risen 500%. The locals don’t have the luxury of bourgeois tolerance and have made a game of attacking the wee bastards. In urban ghettos like Lambeth in London, there are numerous gangs of young teenage kids who, in between shoplifting, drinking and taking drugs, dedicate their lives to hunting, torturing and killing urban foxes. Armed with cricket bats, pellet guns and snooker cues, these evil little fuckers are the only hope that humans have of defending themselves against the growing menace. The council charges £200 per fox killed and nobody can be fucked to pay that much. These kids only charge a tenner. We dug up two vagrants in Lambeth and asked them about the dead animals in their hands. VICE: Don’t you think what you’re doing is cruel?
KID A: Fuck it, I’m street. They shit by the swings anyway. What do you do to the little foxes?
KID A: Best thing is poison their food. Then wait for them to get ill and chase them with a bat. Or the pellet guns like this one. KID B: (cocks his fake 9mm Beretta). I fucking kill ‘em like this… (holds gun in both hands and points it to the ground. Gun to the ‘ead. Bang bang. KID A: Kill it. Fuck it. Ya get me? Do your parents know that you take time off school to do this?
KID B: Dunno. KID A: Yeah! No. I wanna get a fox for a pet anyway. I want to track it back to its lair, get hold of a little cub fox, innit. Take it for walks. Train it to fight, (swaggers round in a circle with a big grin on his face). So you don’t HATE the foxes then?
KID B: Yeah. I do KID A: No. Really not. But they stink and they’re dirty and my mum says their shit is poisonous. How many foxes have you seen in the last year?
KID A: Fucking millions inniit? In groups of like seven or eight get me? There’s one with no tail and another one with three legs that I see but I can never catch it. DOMINIC TUNON
When we told Trevor Williams of the Fox Society about the kids we had met he told VICE: “I hope they bloody get bitten.”