Sorry I went Earl Sweatshirt on you for a few months. But I'm back. You haven't missed much—just babies getting their nipples twisted off, strip clubs giving away turkeys, a ton of cocaine, and ladies riding manatees.
I lay on my couch, naked, staring at the RealTouch and reminiscing about the one time I tried to have sex with a vagina, my erection deflated like a popped balloon the moment my friend Kelly put on a cowboy hat and pressed my dick against her baby hole.
Learn how to dress for success, or at least how to hide the fact that you are a premature ejaculator.
This week Alex Gordon got a ball in the nuts and Lawrence Taylor earned more money to pay for his underage prostitutes.