How To Build a Bunker

This is what not to do. Who would want to spend their last hours in this shit hole? 

My Dad lives on his own 40-acre planet out the middle of redneck no-where where he does whatever strange and amazing things he wants. Like one time when I was twelve, we had a legit twenty car demolition derby in our backyard with pace cars and everything. Another time Dad decided he loved swimming so much that he got a bunch of backhoes and dug a three acre lake with them. So it wasn’t really much of a surprise when the last time I called him he casually mentioned in passing that he was thinking about building a bomb shelter out of an old train container. “Oh, I’ve always sort-of wanted one!” he said.

And who doesn’t want their very own bunker? Bunkers are by all accounts a cozy alternative to untimely death by burning, tornado, flood, apocalyptic zombies, alien invaders, sandstorm, or whatever else is eventually going to finish off the human race. I decided to ask Daddy about how someone can go about building their very own bunkeroo!

DIG A HUGE HOLE

Before you can actually dig your hole (with an industrial back-hoe), you’re going to have to decide where you want to build your bunker. It should be located somewhere that will be easily accessible when the first sign of the apocalypse does arrive in order to properly avoid alien capture, which always results in being anally probed by one of them. Thus, consider where you are most likely to be when that time will come and have the bunker located in a spot that is accessible within a maximum of five minutes. The hole should be bigger than a grave and slightly smaller than a suburban swimming pool and an intricate tunnel system if you plan on having a ballin' tunnel.

ACQUIRE A FREIGHT CAR

Remember that shady hobo who hitched rides on freight cars in Dennis The Menace? Find a night train rider guy like that and have him help you plot out how to go about acquiring one of those huge cargo cars. The car doesn’t require side doors, but a top loading trap door is an absolute necessity as this is how you will climb down into your new abode. That is, unless you have a plasma cutter and can cut a hole out of the top of the car yourself, but since you’re reading this I highly doubt that! Otherwise use a school bus as an awesome alternative.

INSTALL LIFE SUPPORT

Once you have the car lowered into the hole and have grass seed growing over the top of the bunker for camouflage, then it’s time to start installing all of the functional infrastructure you’ll need to survive. Basically you need to make sure you have the means to poop, drink, and breathe. You know those valved funnels that high school jocks build? That little slice of douchey home hardware genius  is what’s going to provide your drinking water from the above world.  Just pray it doesn’t rain acid in the afterworld. As for your excrements, you’re going to use a similar funnel, but one with an XL hose that will feed through the bunker’s drainage pipe into a pre-dug hole down below. The toxic fluids will surely contaminate the surrounding water table, but your own drinking water will come from the sky and everyone and everything else will be dead, so no worries there. As for air, well, just don’t take too big of gulps.

Something like this you could definitely eat, shit, and drink out with the proper filtration. Thanks bros!

DECORATE!

 You’re going to need guns, bullets, pepper spray, candles, a ton of canned soup, bunk beds, a radio, and a few other amenities down there in order to survive. I’d pack enough supplies for at least 6 months. After you’ve done that boring necessity stuff, it’s time for you to get your Martha Stewart on and decorate to your heart’s content! I’m no décor expert but my advice is simply that you should make your surroundings as pleasant as possible, seeing as this may be the cavern in which you grow mentally insane, cannibalize a relative, and/or die in. Now is the time to indulge! Maybe you’ve always wanted “My Little Pony” wallpaper or glow in the dark stars on your ceiling? Your bunker’s the limit, my friend.

The final product if you don't completely fuck it up.