Dick-Stabbing Knives

Getting stabbed in the dick is probably the worst thing I can think of. Right up there with balls in a vice and that vagina from Teeth. Apparently dick stabbings were huge in the 80s, so the cops made a video about every type of concealed knife that they had ever seen and how to properly protect yourself from them. I’ve put together a selection of the most lethal below.

This knife, we learn, is “used for killing sheep and other warm-blooded mammals.” The narrator says that part about “other warm-blooded mammals” in a real ominous tone, like maybe he just stabbed one. And it’s still covered with blood so who knows, maybe he did.

Because the perp isn’t always going to be carrying a blade big enough to gut a farm animal, it’s important for police officers to know about more secret agent-type weapons, like this (for some reason also bloody) lighter knife. True, it is small and lady-like, but if Al-Qaeda can take out four planes, two buildings, and a chunk of the Pentagon with a few box cutters, think what this thing could do to your unguarded ballsack.

This is the dumbest “concealed” weapon I have ever seen. That being said, the fact that they felt the need to include it in the video means it’s probably been used, and that’s awesome. You’re supposed to grab it by the bill, like you’re about to tip your hat real gentlemanly-like to a cop, then BAM! Razor blades to the grill.

Sorry, had to throw these bazongas in. Those are some of the nicest breasts I’ve ever seen. I guess that’s a knife or something in between them there?

This is for when you’re already caught and being frisked. Although if you actually do snag a cop’s finger with this idiotic fishhook that you’ve been walking around with in your pants all day, he’s probably going to call you a bitch and beat you senseless with a phonebook back at the precinct.

This, by far the most badass weapon in the whole goddamn video, was made by a teenager in shop class. I’m having a hard time thinking of a practical application for this one. It’s visually noisy, and therefore would easily draw the attention of cops, who would shoot you in the face without asking questions when they saw this fucker in your hand. I suppose it’d be good for back alley street fights, but again, if you’re swinging this thing around you’re going to be everyone’s first target. It’s so awesome it sucks.

Those are the highlights, and the full video is below. At about 2:45 the perps change from regular rednecks to ninjas who pop water balloons and do really faggy moves with their knives. It’s great.

JONATHAN SMITH