Madden 08
Publisher: EA Sports
Platform: Xbox 360

This is, not kidding, the 18th installment in the Madden video-game franchise. Doesn’t that make you kind of disgusted? The only thing that’s more disgusting than that fact is the sight of John Madden’s face. He looks like an ancient pagan religion’s idea of an evil moon god. Plus, do you really think he checks these games for quality control before they are released? If you do, then I have a bridge (and a copy of Madden 07) that you might be interested in purchasing. I’m not saying that John Madden, demon king of the moon, needs to personally play every copy of every game that bears his name, but wouldn’t it be really special if somehow you could be sure that your personal copy had essence of Madden in it? Essence of Madden is, obviously, farts. So wouldn’t it really show some dedication and TLC if John Madden personally farted in each copy of Madden 08? They could hire someone, an intern maybe, to hold each copy, opened to reveal the disc and instruction booklet, under a seatless throne that Madden is planted on, and then he would fart moondust into it. Then you could be sure that you’re getting not just a bunch of programming code jammed onto a disc but a piece of the real Madden, right there in your hands. But they won’t ever do that because, as you know, Madden doesn’t have the time. He’s too busy warming his hands over a pile of our burning money.

PS: I asked a few friends who give a shit about football games if this one is any good and they said, “Yes. Very good. Even better than the last one.” So there you go.




Bioshock
Publisher: 2K Games
Platform: Xbox 360

A whole lot of amazing graphics, beautifully rendered landscapes and worlds, and art deco design (yes, art deco has made it into video games) can’t distract me from the fact that this game feels overly complicated, overwrought, immensely pleased with itself, pretentious, and not fun. This shit belongs in an art gallery, not on my goddamn Xbox while I’m sitting here trying to get my game on, dog. Yeah, great, everything in this immersive environment can be used as a weapon and you can add modifications to your body and stuff or whatever. You know what else is a body modification?

A lip ring. And how cool are those? Not very, unless you’re planning on attending a Front 242 reunion show tonight. I don’t want to modify my video-game body. I don’t want a game where “no encounter ever plays out the same, and no two gamers will play the game the same way.” I want a nice simple thing where you put a big, loud gun in my video-game hand, put some guys in front of me, point at them, and say, “Shoot there.” It would be good if the guys try to get away from me so I have to chase them and aim at them. It would also be good if they shoot back at me so I have to think about avoiding getting hit by them while I am trying to shoot them. Besides that, I don’t need much else. A few wacky extra guns, a couple of different maps… Seriously, I’d be happy with that. I don’t want to be a cyborg. Really.




Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars
Publisher: EA Games
Platform: Xbox 360

This is good shit. It’s nice to be back in the Tiberium arena, and it is a solid update to the classic Command & Conquer world that countless geeks developed massive eyestrain playing many moons ago. But the thing about C&C is that it exists in a weird world somewhere between shoot-’em-up and RPG. You spend all this time setting up your little world, building bases, amassing armies, fucking strategizing ad infinitum to get ready to face off against your opponent, and then, if you’re even slightly mismatched, you either whip his ass in ten minutes or you spend ten minutes watching him systematically dismantle the tiny kingdom you just built, which you were superproud of until a second ago. On the other hand, if you hit just the right level of matchedness with an online foe, holy shit is it a sweet ride of strategic mayhem. I’m talking edge-of-your-seat, season-finale-of-The-Wire levels of engagement. You don’t know what’s going to happen till the last minutes. If you win, you jump out of the wheelchair you sit in to play video games and pump your fist in the air while screaming so hard that your cats don’t even get scared. They just look at you like you’re nuts, and sad, and a loser—which you are. But fuck it, you won. If you lose, you want to smash the nearest window and gash open your throat with the glittering shards. You stand up and kick the TV table, nearly breaking and definitely lacerating your big toe. You’re nuts, sad, and a loser—again.

Since I’m obsessed only with games that I can play on Xbox while wearing my fucking Bobby Brown headset mic (or, if you’re an obscure-riot-grrl punk, my The Need headset mic), allow me to comment specifically on that aspect of Command & Conquer 3: It’s weird. There is a strange intimacy to the quiet moments of planning and building. It feels like you can hear footsteps and keys jangling inside your brain. It’s scary and lonely. Especially if you’re stoned. Which you always are. In short, Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars is for stoned, sad losers. Just kidding. It’s awesome. I give it a 10 out of 10. For real. But I am a sad, stoned loser. God, this is getting weird. All I’m trying to say is that C&C is an emotional roller coaster. It’s embarrassing how many emotions it makes you feel. Sad, angry, proud, happy, lonely, sad… Shit, I already said “sad.” Maybe it’s less sad and more nostalgic. Remember when you only played games like this on a PC? It was like when Christina Aguilera first came out, everybody still thought trip-hop was acceptable, and the first Matrix movie was something people would still admit to liking. Weren’t the late 90s awful? Let’s hear it for Command & Conquer 3 and the fact that it came out in 2007 instead of 1999!

PACKLESS